The next morning, Ali is all hepped up on Valtrex and Massengill when she goes to meet Chris for their date. But she's not a slut! She claims she missed him. Yeah, I'm sure she couldn't stop thinking about Chris while she was knee-deep in Roberto last night. Ali and Chris head out on their romantic cruise on a blinged-out catamaran. Chris is such a mush mouth, and he mumbles at Ali for a while, and she punctuates the conversation with giggles, so I guess she understands what he's saying even if I don't. I still don't feel the chemistry between these two; in fact, I think Ali has more chemistry with Chris Harrison than with Chris L. But they make out on the boat, in the water, and pretty much everywhere else, so maybe their lack of chemistry is just editing. And, yes, she has made out with two guys in two days, but she is still America's Sweetheart. Chris finds a pearl in one of the oysters and once Ali sees jewels she starts ripping apart every mollusk in site in the hopes of making a necklace. I hope this turns into John Steinbeck's The Pearl and everyone starts chucking kittens at the pearl holder and killing each other with lasers and stuff. Later, Ali wears her worst outfit ever. I mean, really, did she swap suitcases with a vacationing retiree? She is wearing wide-legged white linen yoga pants with a tie-dyed teal tank top. In Style would not approve. Ali and Chris whisper talk to each other about how cute they are. Ali presents Chris with the key card from Chris Harrison. The way she keeps saying, "This key to my room is from Chris Harrison," makes it sound like Harrison is her pimp. Obviously Chris accepts the terms of Chris Harrison's deal and takes Ali to the Fantasy Suite. Ali does a good job of pretending she's never been there before. By the way, Dead Mother Mention Counter: Four.
Frank finally arrives in Tahiti. I hope the producers made him hitchhike. Frank reminds us that he is ONLY on the lush tropical paradise to break up with Ali because he is in love with his ex-girlfriend Nicole. Please to be stopping calling her your ex-girlfriend then, eh? To prove that he is not there to have fun, he pops out his portable black rain cloud and sets it directly above his head. Also, so we know he is serious and taking this seriously, Frank decides to call a meeting with Chris Harrison who, as Ali's pimp, is also her surrogate father. Frank needs advice and I think we can all agree that when you are taking relationship advice from Chris Harrison you might as well be dead. Frank confesses his crimes to Father Harrison and Chris pretends to be flabbergasted, because Frank was falling in loving with Ali! Ali was falling in love with Frank! Frank pretends he had no idea this was going to happen, but, you know, shit happens. Frank loves Nicole and Nicole loves him. Harrison doesn't want to break host-Bachelorette confidentiality, but he will say that Ali was crazy about Frank. And Frank was just crazy. Harrison swears that he knows that Frank is a good guy, who is just having a dick day. Frank tears up a little bit about how he is going to look like such a dick on TV, but is just going to have to break Ali's heart anyway. Harrison tells him to nut up and tell her the truth. So Frank sets off to do just that.