Our dearly beloved Bachelorette Ali is getting oh-so-close to finding her one, true, famewhoring love to last a lifetime or a sweeps cycle or until Dancing With the Stars tears them apart. Only three courtiers remain as potential contenders for Ali's love, because last week we bid farewell to Kirk and his fungal situation. You see, even though it wasn't about the family, it was totally about the family, and Kirk's sad, struggling, taxidermy-addled family just couldn't cut it. Especially so when Roberto's, Frank's, and John's families are beautiful, wholesome, and seemingly well-adjusted families with neither braces nor extreme highlights nor A BASEMENT FULL OF TAXIDERMIED DEAD STARING ANIMALS. But, it wasn't about the family, it was about Ali's sudden realization that if she married Kirk, she might possibly be asked to spend another minute with Kirk's father at some point in the future. Also, Kirk's mold issue became all that much more ominous in the context of large stuffed rodents. You just can't go back to spooning after that.
So now that Mr. Mold is gone, who is next? This week we know the path of love leads them to Tahiti. I have no fucking clue where Tahiti is (what? I'm the product of a Lutheran school, and Tahiti is not mentioned in the Bible), but it is far enough away that perhaps this one time we don't need to don our prophylactics while we watch the episode. Maybe. I might wear finger condoms while I type, just to be sure. Anyway.
This week's installment of Ali's Choose Your Own Adventure to Love opens with Chris L. staring into the sun and doing permanent damage to his retinas. Chris, stop staring at the sun! What would your mother say? Oh that's right, she's dead. AWKWARD! You know, Chris, you really don't remind us of that nearly often enough. Except, of course, THAT IS ALL YOU EVER DO. So Chris is staring into the sun reminding us that he has a dead mother who totally put a crimp in his plans to fall in love what with all her dying, but now that she is really dead, he is ready to find love. Probably with Ali. Oh wait, it's reached the point in the series where it is time for a FLASHBACK MONTAGE! Buckle up for the trip down memory lane. Or don't, and die a fiery death as Chris's memories careen from first meeting, first "wicked awesome" Masshole bonding moment, first mention of dead mom, making out in the hot tub, second mention of dead mom, making out in the grass, meeting the family to talk about dead mom, and making out in the neighbor's tower. Then we see Chris packing, which is a nice segue to Roberto packing. Really, editing team, you should have been nominated. Roberto wears a snug black t-shirt as he takes us on a guided tour of his deep and long-lasting relationship with Ali. There is a connection! There is chemistry! He is sex on a stick and Ali is all up on his man popsicle. But it's love! No really. Okay, Roberto in love is one thing, but I can't concentrate on it right now, because we have DRAMAZ. To be specific: FRANK DRAMAZ. And, real ones, not just need-to-up-his-thorazine-levels ones.