Bachelorette

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Let's Be Frank

Okay, hold up. This requires some parsing out. Also, thinking, so give me a minute, it's hard. When it turned out that Justin had an on-again, off-again girlfriend that he was calling and trying to get back together with, wasn't Frank egging on the clusterchump to gather pitchforks and torches and chase the gimpy monster out of town? Wasn't Frank the crazy guy in the corner of all the group dates rocking back and forth and pulling his hair out and muttering about how hard it was to see "his girlfriend" whoring with all those other mens? So why is he any better of a scummy lowlife human being than Justin? Is it simply because Frank is willing to take the treacherous trip to Tahiti to talk instead of making his escape and limping through the shrubbery and up a water feature? Also, Justin? You should have held on until Tahiti! Anyway, Frank simply HAS to fly to Tahiti to tell Ali, because a phone call just wouldn't suffice. Trust him, he doesn't like sand or beaches or lush forested hills or ocean sunsets. He is just flying there for Ali. He tells Nicole he is so scared to tell Ali of his feelings for Nicole. I hope Ali kicks him in the nards and sends him back to Nicole in 12 separate suitcases. Also, what is with the vetting process on this show? Christ, producers, one guy with a girlfriend is one thing, but two? Two is just repetitive and boring.

Oh shit, Ali totally stole someone's grandma's outfit! No, really: WARDROBE! Ali knows that Tahiti is the perfect place to fall in love... just not with Frank. Although I am sure we will have a solid 30 minutes of Ali weeping and wailing about how Frank was "The One," even though he totally wasn't and was actually a pretty annoying guy with serious neuroses and a freakishly shiny complexion. Ali's first Tahitian rendezvous is with Roberto. They are staying in little huts built on stilts in the water. I don't like quoting 30 Rock, but: I want to go to there. Like, now, please. But according to the magical series of pipes and tubes that tells me things like airfare, tickets to Tahiti from NYC are about $1650 more than I have in my bank account. Also, it's a 17-hour flight. Ali and Roberto hug for a long time and then head off on their adventure. On today's agenda? Helicopter ride! I kind of wish Jake Pavelka was flying the helicopter. But he's not. In other news, Ali appears to have gotten over her fear of flying. Erica Jong would be proud even if the rest of America doesn't give a shit. Roberto explains that he would be honored to be asked to ask Ali to marry him. Ali thinks she would be super-lucky to have Roberto as her husband. Yawn! The helicopter takes them to another island and a "heart-shaped" lagoon clearly made just for The Bachelorette to use as a stepping stone on her path to love. Ali and Roberto strip down into their bathing suits and straddle each other in the water until Ali glances at the camera, thinks about it for a second, and then takes it from third base back to first. I mean, their children could watch this someday! And her dad is probably watching it now. Maybe her grandma, too.

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Bachelorette

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