Bachelorette

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Ed's Dead, Baby. Ed's Dead.
So the date is zip-lining, which is where you attach yourself to a cable and go shooting through trees like a moron. "Oh my awesomeness," says Michael when he looks out over the ground below. Jillian says she's really excited to go, which isn't the same as saying she does it without getting nervous and doesn't scream like a terrified baby the entire time. Somehow, Michael says she was "adorable" and really "pulled it off." I think by "pulled it off" he means "she wasn't actually dying, even though she screamed like she was." So then Michael goes and sounds like he's actually enjoying it. And just like the goddamn ziplining from the roof of the building earlier this season, we are told that ziplining is just like love, because you have to take a step and commit to something and go for it.

We watch endless scenes of the two of them ziplining, with Jillian telling us that Michael's like a puppy, completely unreserved. If he wants to touch someone, he's going to do it. Yeah, so do rapists, Jillian. Jesus. Then they zipline together, and Michael jokes, "We should try this later tonight in the bedroom," and he tells us that it was the first "spark of awesomeness," and it felt like they were a couple.

So after they're done, they go for some hot chocolate, and Jillian asks if he had fun, and he says, "I had all the way fun today," like how much more of Michael's inanity are we going to be forced to endure? He asks how this compared to skydiving, and she says it was more fun because she was connected to him, or something gag-inducing like that.

Then she babbles about being a daredevil, and then she became super-serious and all about her career, but then people think she's "go go go" but she likes to have popcorn on a Friday night like PLEASE STOP TALKING. You should not be on television, saying things that people should hear, either of you.

So then they're walking along the nighttime street in the rain, talking about ziplining, on their way to dinner, and Jillian says she wants to see if they can converse like normal people, like what exactly are you doing all day long, and they're eating in a restaurant where the walls are lined with wine bottles, some of which, Jillian tells us, seriously came from the 1800s. And then Michael is doing a talking head about how awesome ziplining was, and it's clearly taken from the same interview a few minutes ago in which he told us he was really looking forward to the date that night. Like, this show always does this, and I understand that it's probably easier to do one interview and ask the guy to pretend he hasn't been on the date yet and talk about what he was thinking about, but if they're going to play fast and loose and pretend they're actually shooting the interviews chronologically, could they not at least ask the guy to put on a different shirt?

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Bachelorette

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