After another commercial break, Ali meets her man meat. They pull up in a limo hooting and hollering like teenagers at a suburban prom or grown men at a rodeo. First out of the limo is Chris, a real estate developer from yet another Canadian province, who makes Ali laugh, which is the first step to getting laid. Next up is Jesse who recites a line that has got to be culled straight from the town's chamber of commerce materials. Namely, "How do you feel about dating a peculiar man?" Ali's like WTF? And he finishes, "I'm Jesse from Peculiar, Missouri." And then I want to punch him in the neck and never think about him again. Next is Chris our Cape Cod landscaper with the dead mommy and a love of lobster who claims they already have chemistry. Then it's our big-eared divorced dog lover, Tennessee Ty. Then the guy who lives in his parents' basement by choice pops out the sun roof of the limo, as in NOT FROM THE DOOR (I mean, right? Kooky!) and Ali fucking DIES with adoration at Frank the non-door user. Then Rated R comes limping out of the car and Ali wells up at the thought of anyone ever using crutches ever. Then it's daddy's little lawyer, Jay, who pops by to say hello, followed by a guy who chucks a rose at her and then another guy who has a really odd accent and peppers his introduction with the phrase "Check it out" as if Ali has any choice in the matter but to stand there and smile pleasantly. Then the fucking mountain man shows up and FAKE FISHES for Ali and she thinks it's adorable or pretends really well. Roberto shows up with a lovely Latin accent and a dancing invitation and gets Ali giggling like a sugared up schoolgirl. Then it's Canadian Craig with a brightly striped tie and a guy named John who is so forgettable that ...well, I'm not going to bother. Sorry John's mom is probably reading this and going to send me a harshly worded email that her son deserved my derision and sweat of the brow. And then there is another much more interesting John, who gets down on one knee and proposes with a cubic zirconium ring that they spend some alone time together. It was pretty cute and funny. Now THAT'S a John! Holy fuck there are still ten eligible guys left. Jonathan the Texan weatherman is up first and he is charming and gives her a weatherman's sunshine so she can always be sunny. Then someone who hugs like my Uncle Ken and appears to have no personality (also like my Uncle Ken!) and then a guy named Kirk who makes her a rose out of a paper napkin or something and Tyler who is a cater waiter who totally makes an ass of himself by not remembering what Ali was wearing during her first date with Jake. I mean, how could he not know? What an ass. Then it's Hunter who swears he had something funny to say but he really has to pee and can't talk. Ali finds this just too too funny and sends him inside before he waters the palm tree. I am pretty sure Blair Waldorf would have stabbed him with her Louboutin. Deservedly, I might add. Then there's a guy who throws leaves for Ali to wish on and Phil with the dead eyes and a guy named Shooter who seems simultaneously foppish and bro. Rounding out the herd, Jason backflips off the car much to Ali's entertainment, but you can tell he learned it by watching Nascar and not at trapeze camp and is that much less interesting because of it.
Episode Report CardLuluBates: A+ | 635 USERS: C
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