Bachelorette
Generation Vexed

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Meet the Meat
is propensity for premature ejaculation on the primetime TV when his mom is probably watching. Bravo, Shooter! Then the Weatherman and Fake Dean McDermott make an Ali sandwich poolside, but Fake Dean doesn't get a word in edgewise and as soon as Ali leaves, he quickly makes himself known as The Underminer with a bunch of backhanded and slightly harsh comments to his competitors. But I'm still going to call him Fake Dean. Finally Roberto sweeps Ali away for a last tango in Pasadena before Harrison comes and spoils their evening with all the damn roses.

Harrison sets down his magical "First Impression" rose while Roberto is sweet talking Ali out on the patio. While Roberto plays a hot Latin on TV, in actuality he is an insurance agent from Charleston via Tampa. He moves in for a few dance moves and then Ali switches dance partners. Chris from Cape Cod offers her his coat. Ali is a full-on jacket slut, which I hope bodes well for future episodes. During their alone time, Chris doesn't play the dead mommy card, which actually makes me like him more. Next up is weirdo mountain man Kyle who can't make eye contact, but offers Ali a gold-plated fishhook. Ali nods politely and then goes to pull Rated R off the injured list and makes him hop outside for some quality time together. He promises to get all "Rated R" on anyone who interrupts their one-on-one time, but sadly, he doesn't. Instead, after their chat he hobbles inside and gets harassed by the guys. Obviously Fake Dean is the ringleader because that is what Fake Dean does: Ring lead. Well, that and stalk Tori Spelling and Tori Spelling look-alikes. Then some guy named Craig R. gets very paternalistic and warns Ali to be careful because some people aren't here for the right reasons, which is super obnoxious, but must be even MORE obnoxious to Ali who has been through this before and not just been doing it for ten minutes. Then he gives her a keychain with a sneaker on it and Ali is a much better actress than me, because it almost seems like she likes it, even though it is ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE that she likes it because it is a KEYCHAIN with a SNEAKER on it. Like what the fuck, Craig R.? It's not romantic, it's not cute, it's not funny, it's not memorable. IT'S A KEYCHAIN WITH A SNEAKER. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE: He has TWO keychains with sneakers on them and if you put them side by side they make a PAIR OF KEYCHAINS. Zomg! Dying! Ali claims she appreciates his paternalistic tone and his warnings of false bachelors and the fucking keychain. I call bullshit. Or head injury.

Then Harrison wanders in and chimes on his champagne glass and asks for a little help. He asks the mens to all write down the names of competitors who "aren't there for the right reasons" as if ANY of them are there for any reason other than boredom, a hoot, some booty, and FAME WHORING. Everyone stares at the ballot box and eyes each other nervously. The mens are all atwitter over this twist, but they immediately start thinking strategically. Everyone seems to hate Rated R and obviously Fake Dean. Outside, Ali is back to her jacket whoring ways, this time with Peculiar Jesse who chirps that this is the first suit he has ever owned, which IS NOT A GOOD SIGN, ALI. Jesse has made her a little heart out of wood at his sister's recommendation and it is actually kind of cute and a far far cry from the aforementioned besneakered keychain atrocity. Then Ali and Tennessee Ty and his ears are outside talking about The Box again and if I had seen that movie I would make some reference to it, but for chrissakes I can't do EVERYTHING. Ali likes Ty's accent, but there's not much else to notice about him besides his ears, but she's too nice to point out those. Then Ali decides it is time to hand out the First Impression rose. She winds her way through the house, breaking the hearts of all the men she walks past who think she is headed towards them. She goes straight to Roberto who is pretty much the only guy outside of Cape Cod Chris who hasn't come across as a doofus or an ass or a goofball or an eager beaver. They hug and kiss and BOO YAH first rose! We are no longer rose virgins, people!

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