Chris calls the session to order and pulls out The Box. The men have spoken and they have an overwhelming opinion. Chris says that Ali can either listen to the mob and boot the guy or trust him and let him stay. So who is the lucky loser? Justin a.k.a. Rated R. Poor guy looks genuinely shocked when his name is called. He and Ali go talk and he looks stunned. He thinks it is because he is a professional wrestler and the men just don't understand his passion for the *cough * sport. Ali leads him back out to the crowded living room and pins a rose on him. He's staying! The men all grumble about his crutches and affirmative action for the differently abled and fake body slamming, but Rated R just beams.
Then it's Rose Ceremony time. Harrison reminds the men that Roberto and Rated R are safe. Ali does the obligatory "It's not you, it's this damn production" speech. First rose? Peculiar Jesse. Um...okay. We have VERY different taste in men, Miss Ali. Second? Tennessee Ty. Oy. This is going to be a long season, because third is MISTER FUCKING KEYCHAIN. Then some guy named Tyler who I have honest to god never seen before. Frank, who despite living with his parents seems like an all right guy. Then Steve from Ohio, who apparently exists? And then Chris L. and then MR. SCRAPBOOK. Then John C. and Chris N. and Chris H. who may have all made an impression on Ali, but clearly not on me as I have no recollection of them. Then it's Hunter and his ukulele. Then she chooses Fake Dean and...oh honey, no! He's just going to spend all his time comparing you unfavorably to Tori. Just don't put yourself through that. Second to last rose goes to the Weatherman. Harrison announces the Final Rose. The recipient? Kasey of the Accent and stiff jaw. Harrison tells the losers to clear out. First up and out is Mountain Man Kyle who is yearning for some fresh kill and clean air, and I am so proud of you, Ali, for making the right life choices and steering clear of men who will want you to gut their fish and when you die he will stuff you and mount you on the wall next to his first Yellow Lab. As Kyle leaves, he struggles with the mansion's door, because he is used to a tent and these hinges are just a huge inconvenience and challenge. Not like wrestling a grizzly challenge, more like catching a salmon with your teeth challenge. Shooter goes home next, so hurt that he told Ali his painful tale of premature ejaculation and SHE STILL REJECTED HIM. She is a cruel woman. He's too good for her. Bitch. Last out the door is Daddy's Little Lawyer who is sad to leave because his daddy promised him a Saab if he won himself a bride. Crap. Now he has to mail order one from the damn Baltics just like his brother who was always his dad's favorite. And he was SO ready to fall in love, too.
So what do we have to look forward to this season? A tug-of-war, some tight-rope walking, world travels, volcanoes, HPV shots, man boobs, primogeniture, pocket squares, Kasey krying, a possible suicide attempt, wrestling, arguments, a secret girlfriend, tears, disenchantment, and, obviously CHRIS HARRISON. Aren't you just DYING?