Bachelorette

Episode Report Card
Daniel: D | 1404 USERS: B-
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Keep on Chasing that Unicorn

So then Sasha is getting ready for his one-on-one date, which unfortunately involves him telling us that he refers to other people as "sheep" whilst he is a wolf who is always looking for "that mythical unicorn." What? [Don't you know the old fairy tale about the wolf who fools around with the unicorn while the sheep watch? - Zach] Wes tells us that watching Sasha get ready for his date don't come easy.

Jillian shows up, and all the other guys have to horn in by hugging her, and then they drive off and she tells us that they're going to the Petersen Automotive Museum. "I love cars," she says, in fact she loves anything with a motor, and she says Sasha's eyes lit up when he saw what they were doing. They have the museum to themselves. I prefer to think that everyone else at the museum said, "Oh, shit! It's the Bachelorette! Let's clear out before she starts nattering at us about love!" and left. So they take pictures of each other getting ass prints on the hoods of classic cars, and then Sasha gets to pick out a Ferrari and go for a spin. "Sasha drove like a maniac, and I loved it," she says. This would be "little Jillian," again, right? The small-town girl who loves nothing more than a guy driving a car really fast, right?

So they have dinner back at the museum, and Sasha tells her about an accident he had when he was 18, driving back from a party and his truck lost control, and he flew out the window, and the truck crushed his pelvis, and he should have been paralyzed but wasn't, and blah blah blah, and I don't know why they're spending all this money for these dates with Jillian when I'm starting to feel like they could just go have a bush party with a fifth of lemon gin. Give her your football jacket, and she's yours! Jillian is practically near tears as she tells us that she can't imagine going through something as traumatic as Sasha did. By which she means his accident, not going on this show.

Sometimes I like to think of this show as 24, in the sense that when we go to commercial and she's babbling about finding the person that she can marry, and then we come back from commercial and pick up right where we left off, I like to think that she nattered away during an entire commercial break about the kind of bullshit that people talk about on this show. Sasha talks about his previous relationships, and he hasn't had his heart broken. And Jillian babbles about how if you haven't been hurt you should be more willing to put your heart out there, and Sasha says something a "mythical unicorn" again, like WHAT IS THIS GUY'S OBSESSION WITH UNICORNS, and now he's got Jillian talking about looking for unicorns, and I spend the next few moments praying that one of the cars in that museum is actually Christine and turns them into bloody skid marks.

Bachelorette

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