Bachelorette

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Keep on Chasing that Unicorn

At the bunkhouse, Chris Harrison comes in to catch up with the guys and tell them there will be two individual dates and one group date this week. He's got the first date card with him, so he leaves it behind.

I don't even know who the guy is who reads the card. Are we sure this guy has been here all along? The card apparently says only: "Ed: Love can be dangerous" and the guy reading it flings it at Ed, because maybe if Ed gets a massive paper cut he will bleed too much and be unable to fulfill his duties as a date. Ed tells us in an interview that he's excited to get the date because it means he gets to spend some one-on-one time with Jillian. This is exactly what every bachelor or bachelorette says when they go on a one-on-one date. EVERY TIME.

Jillian's waiting by a helicopter in a field when Ed comes up, and Jillian squeals. Apparently, she tells us, she's attracted to Ed, and this date is all about spending some one-on-one time. You don't say! You know, I could edit this show down to about 15 fucking minutes and you wouldn't lose a damn thing.

Jillian tells us that she hasn't been in a helicopter since the time she went with Jason, like helicopter riding is something people do all the time just for shits and giggles, like OF COURSE you haven't been in a helicopter since the last season of this show. But it's different this time, because it's not Jason -- it's Ed! And he's "bulky" and "hunky" and Melissa can't think of someone she'd rather be in a helicopter with than Ed. Looking strictly at weight allowances, just on the off chance that something happened, wouldn't you rather be with a skinnier guy in a helicopter?

The music goes from "rockin'" to "romantic" and Ed tells that he's never been in a helicopter before, and then apparently wastes his time up there by looking at Jillian. Jillian babbles about the great chemistry they have going on. Ed feels like they're on the "same wavelength."

Then they land on the roof of a building in downtown L.A. Ed's kind of freaked out. Jillian tells us that she loves adrenalin and she's going to push Ed to the limit. I think she means she's going to push his corneas to the limit with the bright blue and green lululemon hoodie she's got on. There's only one way off this building, Ed, and it's those green ziplines attached to the roof. Ed says he's never done anything like this, and doesn't even know if it's legal.

Back at the house, the guys are wasting their time speculating on whether Ed will get a rose or not, instead of spending their time more wisely by playing basketball or pool or, God forbid, reading a book that doesn't have pictures. I'd suggest that even punching each other in the face would be a better use of their time, but Dave is probably somewhere doing just that right now.

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Bachelorette

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