Bachelorette

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Keep on Chasing that Unicorn

After the commercial break, Brad corrals David to see if he's OK, and David and his beady little eyes say that he's not, because while he might not be the person for Jillian, he knows that Juan is here for the wrong reasons, and to watch that go down is "unacceptable." Brad advises him to just focus on the goal. Brad better watch out, or he's going on Dave's shit list next.

Brad tells us that things are really intense, because they all want a rose. "Especially me!" Then he goes to Jillian and tattles about how things are getting really intense because people are developing feelings.

Well, if "intense, blinding all-consuming rage" is what Brad is talking about, Dave is certainly doing that, monopolizing yet another conversation. He orders another bachelor to tell him whether he thinks Juan is the one for Jillian. Uh, wouldn't the proper answer to that be, "Of course not. I'm the one for Jillian"? What is Dave's point? He refuses to listen to anyone who advances the opinion that Jillian can figure shit out on her own, and calls the other bachelor a "coward" for not being willing to tell Jillian what's going on. I think Dave ought to be really careful about wanting Jillian to know what people are actually like.

Juan starts to come out, and Dave orders him back inside since they're talking about him. Juan -- kinda wussily, I have to say -- turns around and goes back. Dave's all, "See, that's what I'm talking about," and says he's man enough to say what he's thinking. Juan says Dave seemed kinda high-strung, and he's not here for the drama. Maybe not, but jeez -- don't just turn tail. I mean, you're essentially on a television set. What's the worst that can happen? You take a punch, and Dave's gone. Besides, Dave's too concerned with yelling at other bachelors who might not check the "strongly agree" box on his "Juan: Worse than Hitler?" survey to actually do anything.

Inside, Kiptyn's talking to Jillian one-on-one. Oddly, the conversation doesn't center around the topic of "Seriously? Your name is Kiptyn?" It's more about how he said he was a heartbreaker and hadn't really had his heart broken, which I strongly suspect was just a setup so that he could say later he's never met the right one, but now he has.

And then there's Juan going back outside, with Dave still railing against Juan with all the fire and brimstone of an evangelical sermon, and apparently some of the guys are wondering why David isn't the one telling Jillian all the rotten things about Juan that he seems to expect the rest of them to, and he says something about not wanting her to think he's a jerk, which kinda amounts, again, to "saying what she wants to hear," doesn't it? And then Juan comes back outside, and ignores Dave again telling him to go back inside. Juan: "I'm cool with everybody here. Not everybody has to like everyone." Dave: "If I had one bullet in a gun and I had you and Osama bin Laden in my sights, I'D KILL YOU." (Essentially.) Pathetically, the only crime David can come up with is Juan faking drinking a shot, which Juan doesn't confirm or deny, but only says "So the majority of this has to do with drinking?" I don't blame him for sounding confused. It would have been awesome if Juan had said, "I faked the drink because I'm an alcoholic, you asshole." But it's not like you need an excuse not to have a drink if you don't want one. And please, if you think Dave would be behaving any differently if Juan had simply declined the shot, raise your hand. Yeah, I thought so.

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Bachelorette

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