Bachelorette

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Keep on Chasing that Unicorn

Dave won't stop interrupting Juan, who tries to say that he's there for the same reason that all of the rest of them are there, which is to find someone to spend the rest of his life with. "You're 35. Stop being a cheese-ass," Dave tells him, and then stomps off again. In an interview, David once again threatens Juan's life. Good god.

And then Robby -- I think? -- quietly tells Juan that he agrees a hundred percent with what Dave said, but they'll "talk about it later," whatever that's supposed to mean, and they clink glasses, and everyone goes inside, where Jillian talks about how she's starting to feel the pressure of the rose ceremony now, and the guys start talking about whether they think they're going home. Dave tells us, in another one of the interviews where his eyes are half-lidded and very red, that he wishes Jillian could see what happened tonight so she can see what kind of guy he is. That he actually thinks he comes off as sympathetic could be an indication of how drunk he must be.

So Jillian sits down for some chit chat with Chris Harrison that's much too boring to get into, except for maybe the acknowledgement that Juan is the most different from the other guys, but may also be the most calculated. Oh, and this is some terrible news: she's only sending two bachelors home tonight! I was hoping she was sending home twelve or thirteen.

Still, the rose ceremony. It's like Christmas Eve for me, in that we're almost at the good part (the end). Chris Harrison comes in to talk about how ridiculous it was that LeBron James wouldn't shake hands after losing on Saturday night.

Eventually, Jillian comes out to talk about how, despite how hard this is, she is the "luckiest girl" in the world, but she still has to let two people go who she has "genuinely cared about," which I don't imagine is actually true. (That last part).

So, the roses: Jake. Oh yeah, Jake! Reid. Mark. Oh yeah, it was Mark that Dave called a coward. Then there's Jesse. I keep forgetting who these guys are. Tanner P. Wes. (Dave shakes his head.) Juan. (Dave bows his head, and then shakes it.) Michael. Kiptyn. Mike. Final rose goes to: David. I suppose it's coincidence that David gets the last one, right? There's a shot of Juan looking unimpressed, but since he DOESN'T have a rose in his lapel (which he has in a shot a couple of seconds later) it was taken before Juan even got his own rose, so nice try, show.

Gone are: Tanner F. (blah blah blah "wrong reasons"), who hopes Jillian doesn't make the same mistake Jason made and pick the wrong person. Clearly he ran afoul of the old reality show adage about not being able to carry too many Tanners for too many episodes. Brad is also gone, and he talks about loving someone more than they love you, which doesn't appear to have any kind of basis in any reality whatsoever. He says his character in the movie was the drifter, and he thinks he's going to keep being the drifter. "I don't think anyone can relate to me," he says, actually hanging his head. Try to feel a little more sorry for yourself, Brad.

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Bachelorette

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