If she had her way, if she had her druthers
She'd have met Ian's absent father, and also his absent mother.
Meredith feels something for Ian she cannot explain
To us this just explains why everyone thinks New Yorkers are insane.
I'm not sure where this is going!
But for now Ian as a boyfriend is blowing!
While she's just sincere amongst these scammers and schemers
She's the unfortunate top point in the love triangle in what seems to be the plot of The Dreamers.

Texas! Again! Flatlands and trees bring us to a sign reading, "Entering the Aubrey Area," followed by "Horse Country USA," followed by "Aubrey Area Chambers of Commerce" -- which lets face it, is one guy named "Smitty" -- all topped off by a drawing of a horse's head. Like the one Fleiss has got in his bed tonight with my name smeared all over it. A windmill with a Texas flag gives way to horses (they're just like furry, dumb people! Except they have four legs! And horns! And we eat them! If the writer of Fast Food Nation is to be believed), which cuts to another road sign (show don't tell, Texas), which tells us we've arrived in "Aubrey City Limits, population: 1500." That is, until Smitty done have himself another kinderling and they gotta change the sign up one.

Because we're retarded, we have to listen to Meredith's confessional that she's on her way to meet Lanny. She tells us hopelessly, desperately, "I never saw myself on a horse farm in Texas. But, y'know, maybe I'll really like it." Me, I never went open-air market shopping in downtown Kabul during 2002, but sometimes you just know, y'know? Lanny saunters down a long driveway (Big Driveway Country! That's what they call it out here) and gives Meredith yellow roses for, as he drawls, "the yellow rose of Texas." Will he also offer her big and bright stars tonight?

"Well, I have a mare that's in heat here," Lanny says, beginning his tour of the facilities. He shows Meredith what I can only guess is called "The Breeding Room," which is empty save for some hay and a giant horizontal pole through the middle which...well, I don't even want to consider what that thing is for. He continues explaining his daily vocation, using words like "sniff on" and "mount that thing" and, finally, "artificial vagina." In case this joke isn't already too spent, I just wanted to let the world know that I was officially releasing my first volume of memoirs, and that I have chosen for a title Mounting the Artificial Vagina. Pre-order today.