Bachelorette
Home On Deranged

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Save The Drama For Yo Mama

"Well, I have a mare that's in heat here," Lanny says, beginning his tour of the facilities. He shows Meredith what I can only guess is called "The Breeding Room," which is empty save for some hay and a giant horizontal pole through the middle which...well, I don't even want to consider what that thing is for. He continues explaining his daily vocation, using words like "sniff on" and "mount that thing" and, finally, "artificial vagina." In case this joke isn't already too spent, I just wanted to let the world know that I was officially releasing my first volume of memoirs, and that I have chosen for a title Mounting the Artificial Vagina. Pre-order today.

And, Lanny's family. His mother Jeanne, his father Lanford, his brother, and that brother dude's wife. "It's very important that I be part of my son's life, and therefore their wives need to be very special," Jeanne tells us. They sit around a nondescriptly large living room making the same idle chitchat, the senior Lanford asking Meredith if she has a big or small family. "Smaller than the artificial vagina!" she'd say if she were truly interested in winning points, which she's not. But then dear Jeanne takes over, asking all of the pointed, leading questions, first among them if Meredith thinks she could adjust to this environment. Meredith again offers the "little girl from a slightly bigger town" argument about Oregon, a word that makes Jeanne flinch because, as I'm sure she'd only say in private and to her church group, "Just 'cause it's cold, don't mean it's no closer to heaven." She then detours into Big Loon Country, explaining, "If I were to become your mother-in-law, I want to know how would I nurture you and meet your needs without making you feel that I was intruding into your life." What she means is this: "I am a meddlesome, castrating person, and my boys are my boys and not yours. You want control over a male, you go bear him some fruit. But not 'fruit' the way you colloquial northerners sometimes mean, because then, see, we'd have to have him sent away for a long time." Meredith seems to see through to this core of meaning, and hems uncomfortably. Lanny's sister-in-law -- the poor dear -- fills in some blanks for us and confessionalizes, "I'm sure Meredith could see Mrs. Lawrence stepping in and being present -- often -- as an issue, but that's just something she'd have to get used to." Not that that's a problem for the sister-in-law, of course. No, ma'am. She just loves her Mrs. Lawrence and referring to her mother-in-law like she's her second-grade teacher.

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