Bachelorette
Home On Deranged

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Save The Drama For Yo Mama

What a joy to see two young happy faces
Brought together by an unusual fate from faraway places
Use your head and your heart
As you're off to a really fast start
I'm not sure where you're going
But for now you're both glowing
May this day be a step towards making your dreams come true
Our heartfelt wishes are for love and happiness for both of you.

Awwwww! Cute Mom reads a cute poem sure to get her a "check" at her Introduction to Poetry course down at the Learning Annex. Nay! A "check plus," indeed! Everyone toasts, and the audience is charmed. Except for one person who, somewhere in Vail, mumbles a put-out, "Oh, shove it up your Shamu, rhyming lady" before being interrupted by a shrill "Honeeeeeee, come massage my feeeeeeeeet," as he lunges for the remote and considers his life in a world where rhyming couplets had never been invented.

And, it's over. Don't you know you're supposed to wait forty-five minutes after you eat before going on a swing or a montage? Ignoring both of these golden rules, Matthew and Meredith are now on a giant porch swing outside of the house, Meredith observing, "I've been on two swings today." Did they just neglect to show us the footage of Meredith playing the Jane to his Tarzan, or is she doing a where-do-you-end- and-I-begin thing about her sudden soul-mate-y relationship with Matthew? They rock on the swing, Meredith telling us that being on it, out there, with Matthew, made her feel "like a grandma and grandpa." Nana? She continues by telling Matthew that she feels "much better about Texas," about which I'm sure Texas will be incredibly relieved.

And that's when things start to get a little weird. We montage well northward to Buffalo, four hundred miles and millions of light years from her upcoming date with Ian, and 1,500 miles and millions of degrees Fahrenheit away from her previous date with Matthew. Utilitarian architecture from the design era known as "Municipal Parking Structure" abounds, and a blue sign reading "Buffalo: All-American City" makes all of America wonder why its average temperature is "mostly snowy with a 90% change of crippling seasonal affective disorder." ["That's funny, because the sign you see when you approach it on the Thruway from the south reads, 'An All-America City.' Not grammatically correct, yet distinctly Buffalonian." -- Wing Chun] Meredith emerges from (natch) a plain-looking building that looks like a bus station -- did they put her on The Friendswood Express? -- and she walks into the blinding city cloud light wearing a searingly bright pink jacket and a scarf striped with the same color pink. If she had been wearing a hat, she would have thrown it up in the air by now and we'd all know that she intends to "make it after all." Turning the world on with her smile in a confessional, Meredith reminds us that her last (and, like, only) date with Chad was totally dreamy, but that she still has a lot of questions. Questions like, "Do Chad and I have what it takes to go into the future together?" Well, let's see. Do you have shimmery silver spacesuits? Everyone wears those in the future.

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Bachelorette

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