Bachelorette
Home On Deranged

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Djb: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Save The Drama For Yo Mama

Flipping to the next page of the V.C. Andrews novel this sequence is clearly based on, Erik and Damian offer hugs goodbye and take their leave. But lo! Mere moments later, Erik returns and interrupts...dubbed over kissing sounds edited to make us believe Ian and Meredith were making a kitchen baby! But they're not. Really, when Erik walks in, they're standing like five feet away from each other. Anyway, Erik steals Ian away again, and the two brothers cut to a nearby stairwell, where Ian says he's trying to "take risks" and Erik asks, "How well can you really know somebody?" Ian tells him, "I promise you. I will not offer her the ring at the end of this." And, back upstairs, Ian returns, and Meredith's confessional tells us that Erik made her "uncomfortable." Ian tells us that he thinks he and Meredith would be "a great couple," but adds, "If Meredith needs a ring at the end of this journey, I'm not the right guy for her." Oh, wait! We never toasted at dinner!

If she had her way, if she had her druthers
She'd have met Ian's absent father, and also his absent mother.
Meredith feels something for Ian she cannot explain
To us this just explains why everyone thinks New Yorkers are insane.
I'm not sure where this is going!
But for now Ian as a boyfriend is blowing!
While she's just sincere amongst these scammers and schemers
She's the unfortunate top point in the love triangle in what seems to be the plot of The Dreamers.

Texas! Again! Flatlands and trees bring us to a sign reading, "Entering the Aubrey Area," followed by "Horse Country USA," followed by "Aubrey Area Chambers of Commerce" -- which lets face it, is one guy named "Smitty" -- all topped off by a drawing of a horse's head. Like the one Fleiss has got in his bed tonight with my name smeared all over it. A windmill with a Texas flag gives way to horses (they're just like furry, dumb people! Except they have four legs! And horns! And we eat them! If the writer of Fast Food Nation is to be believed), which cuts to another road sign (show don't tell, Texas), which tells us we've arrived in "Aubrey City Limits, population: 1500." That is, until Smitty done have himself another kinderling and they gotta change the sign up one.

Because we're retarded, we have to listen to Meredith's confessional that she's on her way to meet Lanny. She tells us hopelessly, desperately, "I never saw myself on a horse farm in Texas. But, y'know, maybe I'll really like it." Me, I never went open-air market shopping in downtown Kabul during 2002, but sometimes you just know, y'know? Lanny saunters down a long driveway (Big Driveway Country! That's what they call it out here) and gives Meredith yellow roses for, as he drawls, "the yellow rose of Texas." Will he also offer her big and bright stars tonight?

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Bachelorette

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