House Of Bland And Groggy

Episode Report Card
Djb: A+ | Grade It Now!
She's A Bad Nana Jama

"And now, here we go again," Chris admits, because "derivative" is cheap and easy and "originality" is a merely a judging category on Puttin' On The Hits. Pivoting now and continuing on his walk, Chris prattles on, reminding us that the Bachelorette this season is someone we all "know" from last season. Well, I wouldn't say I know her, per se, because that would mean I was INSANE or a Manson whose TV talked to me or a guy whose head was slightly less of an oval.

Inside the house, majestically decorated by the fine folks at The Enormous Ottoman Feng Shui Emporium, Chris jams on like this is a Tull show and he's the ass-kickin' flute. "When Meredith was sent home by Bachelor Bob," he says, "we got emails, phone calls, and letters from single men across the nation." What contact information are these people using to signal their interest? Leave this poor, broken-hearted woman alone. "So we listened," Chris boasts, adding that the twenty-five most eligible bachelors in the pharmaceutical sales industry ('cause seriously, they all are) are on their way to the house right now. There's an ominous, stealthily approaching quality to that sentiment, and I'd probably start humming the Jaws theme alone in my apartment, but it really doesn't apply. These guys are nothing like Jaws. For instance, they seem to have a lot more teeth.

But before we learn more about the men who want to fall in love with Meredith and make about a billion SpongeBob SquareBabies with her, let's meet the Bachelorette herself. If only there were some kind of, I don't know, montage-ing quality to all of this so that we might reduce her personality to a series of disparate photos and...ah, here we go. Chris voices over the clip package that begins with a modern-day Meredith posing for pictures. We learn that she is "gorgeous" (because she knows how to make I-have-pouty-lips lips when she poses for a photo in what looks like a big fashion shoot), "sophisticated" (because she wears a scarf), and "glamorous" (because she knows how to face away from the camera and look over her shoulder when she's posing). "There's much more to Meredith than you got to see on The Bachelor." We steam though all of last season (which, for those of you looking to catch up, is helpfully archived six thousand words at a time right here on this very website, though for most of you that season will still be fresh in your minds seeing as it ended exactly SIXTEEN SECONDS AGO), watching Bob give Meredith a rose, watching Bob and Meredith on some date somewhere, watching Meredith's six-week Shivah Call Tour Of Doom through national television as Nana deepens our understanding of what it means to be mortal and then goes six feet deeper as a reward for her troubles.

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