Bachelorette
Island Of Tropic Diseases

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Loser Is As Loser Does

The spy who...loved? Back on the blanket, Ian asks Meredith what she's worried about in her relationship with him. What "relationship" is that, exactly? Oh. You're right. I'm sorry. Trifling concerns like that they fully don't actually know each other at all are so fourteen seasons ago. Meredith suddenly finds the importance of being earnest, and floats a love biscuit (okay, ew. Sorry), sweet-talking, "Lately, I haven't really been worrying about anything. Except when I'm going to see you next." Ian tells her how "nice" it was of her to say that, and Meredith tells her that she isn't just being nice. That makes Ian wants to cram his tongue down her throat. I find love between consenting adults confusing and full of mixed signals.

"As long as I see what I see and I believe what I see, that's all good," Ian tells Meredith lovingly. The duck flies at midnight. Spy.

The happy couple strolls down the cobblestone streets of old San Juan, Ian offering an "Hola, Señor" to a delighted native. Nice try, Spyro Gyro. We can hear the Berlitz inflection of your learning your first two Spanish words on your flight from L.A. "Hola, Señor" is like walking into a hotel lobby in Paris and dropping the "Bonjour!" bomb and then getting mad that no one will talk to you in English. In a confessional, Meredith indicates "strong feelings for Ian," but says she intends to use this date "to find out if he stands out above the rest." They stand under some enormously phallic tower in the middle of some town square, Ian handing her a flower and asking, "Will you accept this rose?" Just like on that TV show! She laughs and smooches him, sharing with us, "The only person I'd want to walk through Old San Juan with is Ian." Ain't that just the reality-television jaunt through the tropics for you? Puerto Rican marriage, Haitian divorce.

"I invited Ian over to a mansion in Old San Juan," Meredith tells us as we're treated to shots of Ian walking up to Meredith's door. Oh, stop implying all of this autonomy, for crying out loud. You didn't invite him to anything. "I'd just seen him, but I missed him already." A short-term memory like that and this new couple is going to be doomed to having their first date...fifty times! Cue "Hey Ya" and a vomiting walrus and Rob Schneider getting poked with a pointy stick. The end.

A gaudy live-action pink flamingo in a Meredith costume pulls open a giant wooden door behind which is usually a hunchback mispronouncing "Dracooooooooolya." But behind this door is the answer to why Meredith isn't often seen in bright colors or feathers or ice-skating costumes from primetime ice-skating specials enjoyed by our grandmothers and slightly gay uncles. What the hell is she wearing? Ian asks the same question, but in a much more please-sleep-with-me kind of way, noting through poorly concealed horror, "Wow, look at you." Dude, she must be feeling self-conscious enough already. Don't rub it in that you get to wear your own drab street clothes and she's product-placing for a lawn furniture retailer on Daytona Beach.

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Bachelorette

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