Bachelorette

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You remember how, on The A-Team, B.A. hated to get on planes? And the rest of the team would play along and assure him that he wouldn't have to get on any more planes? And then they'd stick some sleeping pills in a block of cheese and knock him out? He'd always be so pissed when he'd wake up: "How'd we get to Africa, Hannibal? I know we didn't take no boat!" And he'd swear he'd never get on another plane, but then they'd always make him. Why do I bring this up? No reason.

So anyway, here I am recapping The Bachelorette again.

This season opens with a recap of last season, which feels like it just ended last week. Remember how we all fell in love with Jason Mesnick? You did, America. And remember how Jillian got in a bathing suit and ground up against him in a hot tub? Nothing, apparently, could have prepared Jillian for not getting that last rose from Jason. Except, perhaps, for every episode ever, in which at least one person gets rejected. We watch Jillian crying again in the limousine. "This decision that he made broke my heart."

Then we watch Jillian get her life back together in Vancouver, which is as fine a place as any to put your life back together. You know, when your fake love for a phoney on a stupid fake-romance reality show falls apart. "Those feelings that I had with Jason were very true, but he wasn't the right person for me." I don't think Jason is the right person for a sentient woman, but that's me. Here's how you put your life back together: jogging! Gardening! Thoughtful walks along the Pacific Ocean! Having great legs and wearing short shorts! "I hope that I can have that feeling again."

And then there's Chris introducing Jillian as the new Bachelorette, and a bunch of people cheer like it actually affects them. "I can't believe this is happening to me!" Jillian tells us. Like she's rubbed a magic lamp and has been granted three wishes or something. She is shopping for shoes, so I guess this is the kind of awesome stuff you don't get to do unless you're the Bachelorette. "I'm not a princess. I don't think I'm drop-dead gorgeous. I think I'm cute. I think I've got a huge heart, and there's somebody really special out there for me. I haven't seen him yet, but I know he's out there."

Jillian says she has no regrets about going on The Bachelor. Really? None? I think the only people who have no regrets about The Bachelor are the apologists who have to justify appearing on it. We watch as Jillian gets seen off into a taxicab by her family, who can't wait to meet her Prince Charming.

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Bachelorette

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