Bachelorette

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Oh god. "Wacky" clips of Jillian in action. Sock feet sliding across a floor all Risky Business. "I'm back in L.A., I'm the Bachelorette, and I'm back in action." My reverse peristalsis is back in action, too. She's jumping rope and lying on her back doing that bicycle thing. And then she's shoving a hotdog down her throat and telling us that there are no more theories like her stupid hotdog theory from last time, and she doesn't give a shit what he puts on his hotdog. Whoa! She's all salty!

That's the cue for the skronky electric guitar to kick in so we can watch some slow-motion shots of Jillian in a bikini playing in the water. "I can't believe it's going to be me and 25 hot guys," she says. And then she's looking all sultry while she washes a purple car. Her family must be so proud.

And just in case you turned on this show but only planned on watching the first five minutes, we're forced to sit through clips from tonight's show. Which they're going to be broadcasting right away. And there are also clips from the rest of the season. I'm not recapping any of this twice. Once will have to be enough.

So here's Chris Harrison at the Bachelorette pad. "America was shocked" that Jason sent Jillian home without a rose, but "single men across the country were thrilled that Jillian was still available," he lies to us. Then he introduces some of the men. These men are going to tell us that they are looking for love and they can believe it can happen here. Later on, those who have been selected to move on will tell us that they were surprised to develop true feelings, because they didn't think it could happen on a reality show. None of these men will say that they applied because of a drunken dare and figured the worst thing that would happen would be that they'd be on television and impress some dingbat fan of the show at a nightclub down the line.

Kiptyn, 31, from Encinitas, Calif. "Kiptyn"? He does business development and event planning, and enjoys not having a shirt on. He surfs. He says he's a romantic and needs to be with someone who has the same lust for life that he does, and if he falls in love, that would be the most amazing thing ever.

Then there is Michael, 25, from Astoria, New York. He somehow makes a living as a breakdancing instructor. He teaches in East Harlem and says he had to "prove" himself to the kids, but doesn't explain what that means. He says something but I blocked it out because it involved him saying "passionate and like, 'wow!'"

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Bachelorette

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