Bachelorette

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Now With 20% More Male Famewhores!

Straight to the top of the list of guys who make me want to punch myself: Greg, 32, from Scottsdale, Ariz., who says he goes by "Billbro." He calls himself a "fitness model," which means he's probably appeared in Men's Health in addition to low-budget all-male porn. On a scale of "1 to Billbro," he's a perfect Billbro. He's a ten. Yeah, he said it. He mumbles something about Jillian. "I think I'm in love, my friend." With himself, he means.

There's Jacob, 31, an airline pilot. But don't you go thinking he's one of those average pilots. You know, the guys for whom flying is just a 9-to-5 job. He's going to change the way we think about planes! "When I fly, it makes me feel free. It's my art." Yeah, you know what that means: flying upside down! He's the Michelangelo of that. He doesn't "recreationally date," either. He hopes to be America's next romantic, and if things go well with Jillian, he would "definitely die" to make her dreams come true. God, I hope Jillian's dream turns out to be for someone to kill Billbro.

So let's take a break from the rampant man-famewhoring to meet Jillian again. Chris Harrison welcomes her back to the pad and asks her how it feels to be the one. "It feels great that I can take matters into my own hands," she says. He tells her there's a bunch of dudes on their way, but before they get there, they're going to sit down and have a talk. We don't need to be there, right?

After a commercial break, there's a "Tanner F" (which I guess unfortunately means there's at least two Tanners competing), 28, a sales representative from Derby, Kans., telling us that Jason "dropped the ball" on Jillian. As suit-clad guys pile into limousines, John P., a marketing specialist from South Norwalk, Conn., offers the already-beyond cliché comment that he's grateful to Jason, because without him, Jillian wouldn't be here. Which is really only true if you accept this show on its merits, which I refuse to do.

Douchebags toast each other in the limousines as the vehicles glide down the highway beside a setting sun, kind of like that point in the season of 24 where you know it's going to be dark for several episodes and things are going to get really bad.

Over at the Bachelorette pad, Jillian and Chris sit down. "In a million years, did you ever think you'd be back here as the Bachelorette?" asks Chris. Jillian says no way, but you know what? A million years is a really long time.

Jillian starts talking about how she's always been focused on her career and figured she'd eventually attract someone? But she had to let her guard down to show Jason something? I don't know. Chris says she has a famous quote: "You have to slay a few dragons to find the right prince." Yeah, Bartlett's has been calling on that one. He asks her to explain what that means. I'm going to assume anyone reading this isn't a moron and doesn't need it explained to them. Chris talks about how America fell in love with Jillian. Wait. I thought we fell in love with Melissa. Or was it Molly? Chris asks if she regrets anything, and Jillian asks if he means the hot tub thing, and she laughingly says that's what people in love do, isn't it? Yeah, but we're not talking about people in love; we're talking about you and Jason.

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Bachelorette

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