Bachelorette

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Next up is John H., 27, a "branding consultant" from Boise, Idaho. They need a lot of those in Boise. He talks about having a passion for life. Then there's Sasha, who calls this a mix of "prom" and "your first high school dance" all in one. In other words, kind of like your first high school dance and your last high school dance.

Here comes Brad, 27, a financial advisor from Chicago, who charmingly pretends to brush the dandruff off his shoulders. She manages not to mention his over-lavendered shirt and tie combination.

Mathue, 26, is a personal trainer from Wichita. He's wearing a cowboy hat because he's a big country-music fan, and it's autographed by a bunch of country artists, including Jillian's favorites, the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band (she loses SO MANY points for all of this). He invites her to sign the hat, which will only make it worth less on eBay.

Simon, 26, is a soccer coach from Bradford, England. He has an English accent, but not one so thick that it justifies the use of subtitles when he speaks. God damn this condescending show anyway. He says he wants to teabag her (I'm paraphrasing).

Jesse, 27, is a wine maker from Carmel Valley, Calif. He says he wasn't sure about doing the show. UNTIL HE FOUND OUT THE BACHELORETTE WAS JILLIAN! Tell her lies, tell her sweet little lies, Jesse.

Chris comes out to make some small talk. The topic is how awesome all the guys are so far. Then the next limo comes up, and someone gets the First Person to Refer to This as 'Surreal' For Some Reason rose.

Then out comes Julien, the restaurateur, who says he's been impressed with all the good things people have said about her. Wes the musician has to show what a musician he is by wearing jeans. He kisses her hand and says he's really excited. But he sounds like Tardy the Turtle from Greg the Bunny. Kyle the graphic designer comes out. So except for Julien, this is the bohemian limo so far. Then Kyle goes in the wrong door and sounds really annoyed.

Adam, 27, is an Olympic cyclist from Long Beach. He looks kind of like Thom Yorke, if he ate Thom Yorke. He says he knows things can get kind of crazy in there. But apparently he doesn't give a shit, because he demands the "first five minutes" of Jillian's time.

Then there's the lawyer Steve, who jokingly thanks her for going to all this trouble for her. Then Juan comes out, which means we're forced to hear some stereotypical flamenco music. He speaks some Spanish to her, which of course she doesn't understand.

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Bachelorette

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