Marry Me A Lot
Sixty-four slices of individually-wrapped American cheese "previously"s later, we're back in Palm Beach, Chris continuing in his role of "Look, an old dude, telling a story!" and we crowd like impressionable youngsters around his feet to hear his tale. "Obviously," Chris tells us, "this is no ordinary wedding." It sure isn't! It's fake! Also, "for more than six months, hundreds of people have been working tirelessly to make this the most spectacular wedding any bride could ever imagine." He tells us that this is the night to see how it all "comes together," from the designers and florists to the caterers and chefs, all of which leaves me wondering after the purpose of the first two installments of this particular series. Either way, Chris promises, this event is going to be "the wedding of the decade." That's a pretty bold promise in the same decade that brought you such power-couple nuptials as LeAnn Rimes and Dean Sheremet, Joan Collins and Percy Gibson, and James Van Der Beek and Heather McComb. Whoo-whee, but do I get weak-kneed in the presence of fame. Just a sec. I'll be fine. I just need to breathe a sec.
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards! Oh, I'm down again!
And then, that one moment where everything kind of goes batshit crazy. Chris promises a night so chock full of activity that there's no way he can cover everything by himself, because I guess he's so tuckered out from that grueling two-minutes-of- voice-over-a-week production schedule he's been on since the last season of the show wrapped. To help him out, they've brought in special "correspondents" Charlie Maher and Stephanie Lydecker. Charlie, we might remember, was Bachelor #2 (Or, The Last Remains of the Dodo) on The Bachelorette, and Stephanie Lydecker is...well, she's blonde, for one. I actually have no idea who she is. But her last name is totally cool and it rhymes with "home wrecker," therefore making it a perfect candidate for a couplet in a revenge song about a childbearing relationship gone bad.
Oh, oh, Stephanie Lydecker
A vicious wife and cruel home wrecker
Vacuumed up our love with the soul-sucking power of a Black & Decker
Oh, sister, please keep your day job
Man, am I bored.
Anyway, Charlie Maher and Stephanie Lydecker are standing in a split-screen, chilling in formalwear and holding enormous press-conference -in-the-1950s microphones emblazoned with "Trista and Ryan's Wedding" in that MS Whirligig Faggy Sans Bold font we've come to love so well.