Marry Me A Lot
Then, we learn, it's time for another group to arrive, and up to Rancho Relaxo pulls a white van which we'll call The Mystery-These- Famewhoring-Strangers- Were-Even-Invited- To-Begin-With Machine. Bob and Estella. Brook the horse guy. Jamie. Russ, again. Past contestants of The Bachelor/ette. Are these people really even friends of the couple? And if they have their very own Mystery Machine, wouldn't their time be more effectively spent using the vehicle to travel around solving crimes in haunted mansions? Ah, damn. I've just gone and accidentally pitched ABC's next primetime series, haven't I? After all, Bob's laugh reminds me a bit of Shaggy's voice. And Jamie could be Fred! And Shannon would make an excellent Scooby.
Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) is dressed down a bit for this meet-and-greet, though the font on her microphone grows no less ostentatious. She holds said instrument of amplifying doom up to the big, flapping lips of one Bob Guiney, who stands next to a miserable-looking Estella. Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) tells them how "happy" they look, a comment as true as if Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) had just given herself the critique "you look very comfortable in front of the camera." And, say what you will about Bob (oooh, oooh, I'll go first: "yuck"), he spins his answer with surprising elegance, responding to Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!), "We're elated...to be here." Estella echoes a squeaky, "We are!" It's the first thing they've agreed upon since the words "As soon as this contract is up, we're done here," uttered by both of them, in unison, one thousand times.
Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) is next to catch up with Russ, asking him what a voice-over Chris promises us will be the questions "we've all been dying to know." She asks Russ, "Are you excited?" We've all been dying to know if Russ is excited? I am not one with the zeitgeist these days, people. It is now clear to me. Stephanie moves onto her next question, asking Russ if he brought Trista "a little Tiffany box." Oh, Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!), that is so last year of you. More specifically, Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!), that is so January 11, 2003 of you. Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) tells Brook that he's still "her very favorite cowboy," and Jamie tells Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) that he's "still single," and that he'll be doing The Bachelor when he's eighty-nine. Ah, and it's true. I didn't watch the first season of The Bachelor, so I don't know who Amy and Angelique are. Amy tells us she's still single, but posits, "Maybe by the end of the weekend..." Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) takes her cue and promises "an interesting few days." And, just like last week, another one of the world's great non-materializing subplots is set up and never knocked down.