Bachelorette
Trista & Ryan's Wedding, Part 3

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Marry Me A Lot

Trista and Ryan have written each other "a letter" declaring their love for one another. Ryan goes first, telling Trista "in falling in love with you, I've found something so special." He tells her, "You're the inspiration." If you're my mom, that song might make you cry, too. But to a certain sect of baby boomers, Chicago 17 is literally like crack. Don't even mention "Hard Habit to Break" around my mom unless you want a fully orchestrated version of the entire thing, complete with one-woman-provided backing vocals. And don't you worry about the accompaniment. She also has the sheet music. And she's not afraid to sight read.

Trista's letter is next, in which she rambles almost drunkenly about Ryan's being "warm," meaning that he is a "warm" person, but also that he is her "own personal space heater." She tells him that living with him means "living with allergy shots." From the cloud, Brook bristles with understandable confusion. Ryan's the love of Trista's life, and she will love him forever and always. Shannon cries because she's sitting next to Russ. Not a tear being shed up at the wedding trestle. Too much scratch spent on the makeup for that.

Vows. He does.

Vows. She does.

"By the authority vested in me by the state of California, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Will you please kiss your bride?" He will. We have processed. And now we recess. Everyone waves these little banners things at the couple as they walk out. Ryan can take them to mean "surrender." I take them to mean "Minnesota Twins playoff game." This recessional sucks. I liked recess better when there was more kickball.

Dispelling a rather staunchly held notion that Chris was positioned in front of a "Trista and Ryan's Wedding" blue screen in Sherman Oaks somewhere, Chris invited himself to the actual wedding part of the wedding, showing up at the reception and "introducing" the couple, because we have no idea who they are. Mr. and Mrs. Ryan Sutter walk into a lavish reception hall that gets literally no face time at all, Trista in her chilled-out reception gown. Chris tells Trista that Ryan has a surprise for her, and she tries to wipe the look of instant anger off her face. Ryan introduces country singer Brad Paisley, whom I've never heard of because I live here. He grabs an acoustic guitar and does a country version of -- wait for it -- "I'm Falling for Something about Her." I guess that means I have to stop telling people I'm a "lyricist" and expecting to gain the slightest kernel of respect for it. Back to just telling people I'm an exotic dancer in a gay club. Sigh. Life on the pole ain't as glamorous as it looks, people.

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