Oh, oh, Stephanie Lydecker
I love John Waters' Hairspray but I really hated Pecker
I went to high school with a guy named Rob Stecker
Your reporting style makes me sob
And the great thing about poetry is that it doesn't even have to rhyme! Or make sense at all!
Chris Harrison, The Anchor Of The Crazy News on the network known as Eeeeee! throws it over to the new woman on the scene, the eponymous star of the pop sensation "Oh, Oh, Stephanie Lydecker" that's sweeping the nation. He learns us real good that she is a former (?) Bachelorette producer who became friends with Trista during the filming of that show. We're watching a career overhaul in action, folks. Not since we watched J. Lo move from mid-market respectability (whatever, you can never take Out Of Sight away from her, so don't even try) to high-profile total, total shit has such a vocational evolution happened right before the eyes of the nation. Nay, the world. Except for Lichtenstein. They're still mad. Chris reminds us that Stephanie watched Trista and Ryan's love blossom, asking her, "Did you ever dream they'd end up here?" Right off the bat we're in trouble, as Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) cops to having "had [her] doubts" in the past, but having been there from the first Rose Ceremony, she is now convinced that Trista and Ryan are "living proof that you can find true love anywhere, even on national television." She laughs nervously in an "I'm fired, right?" kind of way. Chris asks how things are kicking in the bridal suite, and Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) is denied the symmetry of an audience with the bride, instead reporting that things are similarly "calm" as we glimpse a fully dressed Trista sitting ramrod straight in her chair at a distance from her "friend" Stephanie. Yeah, she's totally chill.
Oh, oh, Stephanie Lydecker
Watching you is like watching Becker
I stare at your on-air talent like a voyeuristic rubbernecker
Watches a really bad crash
See that, Bob? Everyone's a songwriter!
Stephanie and Charlie now move on to cover their next "beat," that of the arrivals of the families of the bride and groom as well as the bridal party. Charlie runs into Stan and Carol, Trista's father and stepmother, while they're checking into the hotel, and he brandishes that big-ass microphone in their faces and they're all, "Charlie!" HRWEG gives him a big, loud hug that tries not to scream "THIS IS VERY, VERY AWKWARD" but succeeds in fooling no one except for the sleeping Lichtenstein. He then makes the tough observations that qualify him for this position to begin with: "I'm, like, nervous and anxious about this whole thing, and it's not my daughter." Man, how I wish he had taken that golden opportunity to turn to Carol and just scream in her face, "AND IT'S NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, EITHER!" Because, well, it's not. Oh, and remember how much more HRWEG liked Charlie than he did Ryan? Ah, memories.