Bachelorette
Trista & Ryan's Wedding, Part 3

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Marry Me A Lot

Charlie next just happens to come across Ryan's parents, exchanging a "THIS TOO IS VERY, VERY AWKWARD" kind of hello and pretending that this is all fine, just fine. Upon meeting him, you can hear Bob Sutter actually speak the words, "It's Charlie! The loser!" Hoo-boy, you can't write a better line than that. And I mean you really can't! Because scripted television is dead! But seriously, this is totally awkward. I mean, why not just have Alex Michel walk around with the microphone? Or Bob's ex-wife? Let's make it as awkward and non-right as possible. Meanwhile, somewhere, Trista's poor mother looks at her husband and his wife and thinks, "Too late...this level of social awkwardness is already every day of my life." I really like her. And I wish her peace from all of this.

Speaking of which, Charlie stops by Roseanne's hotel room. She opens her door. She is alone. Charlie asks her if she is nervous about the impending wedding, and she instantly answers, "No." She adds that she knows this is the right thing for Trista, and so she doesn't have to be nervous. She's right. She's a good woman, who is a loving single mom, who might just a tiny little bit bear some kind of resemblance to my own mom. Roseanne should be the next Bachelorette. At least we can probably already vouch for the location of her own Nana.

The bridesmaids stumble down a huge staircase and out onto the grounds of the ceremony for the first time. One exclaims, "I'm jealous!" Well, mission accomplished. Another muses, "I thought my wedding was great!" Well, think again.

And the guys are already drinking because boys will be boys and that's just the way it is, am I right? Charlie, lose the mic, or they're going to end up marrying your tighty-whities to your ass, wedgie-style, in The Wedding Of The Dorkade. You are making no friends. Put down the...ah, nobody listens. Charlie marches up to Ryan's brother Chris and is all, "Any words of wisdom from the brother?" Chris responds with what I think is, "Grab your balls, close your eyes, and go." But for some reason, they saw fit to smudge out the word "balls." Then the other guys throw Chris is the pool, because, well, boys will be boyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Then, we learn, it's time for another group to arrive, and up to Rancho Relaxo pulls a white van which we'll call The Mystery-These- Famewhoring-Strangers- Were-Even-Invited- To-Begin-With Machine. Bob and Estella. Brook the horse guy. Jamie. Russ, again. Past contestants of The Bachelor/ette. Are these people really even friends of the couple? And if they have their very own Mystery Machine, wouldn't their time be more effectively spent using the vehicle to travel around solving crimes in haunted mansions? Ah, damn. I've just gone and accidentally pitched ABC's next primetime series, haven't I? After all, Bob's laugh reminds me a bit of Shaggy's voice. And Jamie could be Fred! And Shannon would make an excellent Scooby.

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Bachelorette

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