Bachelorette
Trista & Ryan's Wedding, Part 3

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Marry Me A Lot

Sidebar: under any and all circumstances, please see your way clear to buying, downloading, or stealing a copy of the song "Brandy (You're A Fine Girl)" by a one-hit wonder band from the '70s called Looking Glass. I've formed an independent counsel of myself and deemed it Trista and Ryan's wedding song. Now if she can get the paperwork underway to change her name to "Brandy," that'd be just super.

Wedding planner extraordinaire Mindy "Together We Defend Castle Greyskull From The Evil Forces Of Skeletor" Weiss makes a proud return, presiding over the substantially-sized wedding party. Trista's friend Cindy is adorable! The ring bearer is going to come down the aisle in a tiny fire engine. He's twenty-four. No, really, he's not. Trista expresses fear that she's going to fall down an enormous flight of steps in her billion-dollar shoes. Wait. Can I marry Cindy?

Back in the groomsal suite (what is that called? Is there a linguistic corollary to "the bridal suite"?), Charlie humiliates himself further and further when we discover him...tying Ryan's bowtie? I'm waiting for the wedding party to start spontaneously pelting him with super-soakers and screaming "dance, bitch! Dance!" They're so mean and he's so not cool. Charlie tells us that Ryan didn't like his attempts at a "double Windsor." Chris reminds him that last year they were competing, and this year he's tying Ryan's tie, noting, "I think they call that poetic justice." Well, Chris last year you were you, and now, well, you're still you. I call that lack of evolution. Charlie didn't have to do anything but embody the actual, technical definition of "loser" and, in doing so, ended up on the same payroll you're on. Isn't THAT actually what's called poetic justice? Think about it. And then download that song. What are you people waiting for? Million-dollar invitations? Paparazzi photos of Looking Glass? Do it!

"Of all the reality shows around the world, this is first to result in a real marriage," Chris tells us. Wow. How proud of themselves they've chosen to be. Chris introduces Skeletor Weiss, reminding us of her high-wattage wedding planning credentials (you say "Adam Sandler" one more time, muthufuckah, I dare you...I double dare you) including those of "Adam Sandler, Shaquille O'Neal, Jessica Simpson." AAAAAAHHH! Skeletor promises us that the "little touches" are going to make the wedding special. Such as, the things you can't see from the television. Oh, goody. I can't wait even more than I couldn't wait fourteen seconds ago.

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