I'm sorry, is that the Goodyear Blimp? Well. At least the producers seem to want Russ dead almost as much as we do. A team of blimp specialists navigate that big-ass thing around an open field as Brussque notes from the back seat, "I've never kissed anybody on a blimp before." Trista asks what makes him think he's going to kiss anyone on a blimp today, a rhetorical question I'd actually like to answer with a line of dialogue from one of the best half-hours of reality television in history, as I feel it also applies to what will come of this situation: "Whore! Whore! Whore! Whore! Whore!" Dude. Trista. Why couldn't you just stay away? Sell the bracelet and buy your perspective out of hock. It's enough already. Russ puts an unreciprocated arm around Trista as they approach the Hindenbachelor, and we cut to the aforementioned blimp specialists literally pushing the damn thing up in the air to get it going. Why would people ever put their faith in a form of transportation that has the same take-off procedure as the airplanes on The Flintstones? Nevertheless, up they go, Russ and Trista each wearing kiss-inhibiting giant headpieces that makes their dialogue sound like it was mixed down by Beck. Russ voices over that "it couldn't have been more romantic," and Trista and Russ intertwine their fingers and stare at the sunset. On the side of the blimp, the words "Russ + Trista" scroll up in giant pink letters. Was that digitally added later? If not, who is there to see it? Why is the blimp talking, anyway? Oh, the humanity!
Back at The Moose Lodge (these nicknames are getting more and esoteric, aren't they? Can I maybe just stick with ManDaLay Bay for a while? It's kind of my favorite), Shannon, Original Bachelor Cast Member, makes a toast: "To screen time, and my having lots of it!" That, or something about getting to know new friends. Or wait, is that Missy? The remainder of the bachelors sit around the table with The Three Wise Women as Shannon, Original Bachelor Cast Member, tells us in an interview, "We're on a mission...It doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with any of them." Back at the table, Charlie treats us to a numbing table reading from The Big Book of Exceedingly Monotone Public Speaking, explaining what a "chiseler" is and how Russ is among their ranks. Charlie explains that Russ was "chiseling" his way in with Trista, being at the top of every staircase and lurking behind every doorway during their group date in Vegas and trying to get as much time with her as possible. And that's all he needed to say. But he talks and talks, all but pulling down a chalkboard with X's and O's all over it to explain how this "X" is Trista and this "Y" is Russ and this "Z" is the first letter of "zzzzzzzzzzz." The girls seem scandalized that Russ is so calculating, which is why they just sold their best friend up the river and are such excellent judges of character.