Bachelorette
Oh, The Humanity!

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Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
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Ryan's Hope

And now, the most boring date of all of our lives. Collectively. And this includes the time this girl in high school asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I didn't find out that it was a date until five years later. Yup. It's worse than that. But if it serves any purpose for Trista in divining the true essence of Rhymin', at least it will help her decide between "functionally" and "congenitally" as which modifier is more appropriate to precede the word "retarded." We're back at Boystown, where we find Trista entering and giving Rhymin' a big teddy-bear hug and baby-talking, "Are you excited?" He stumbles over the words "so" and "excited," succeeding only in glazed, vertiginous silence. Trista tells us, "The most important thing I'm looking forward to today is seeing Ryan's reaction and seeing how he loves this experience." Is he a terminally ill five-year-old? No, you say? Then he must be treated as an adult. "I think that putting him in a situation that he can really enjoy will bring out the real Ryan."

Okay. I promised I wouldn't write bad mimicking poetry, but I am going to share something with you from the distant past of Djb, something that predates my involvement with this show by several years. In 1999, a very good friend of mine started dating a girl we all just hated. She wasn't mean and she wasn't cruel. She was, in the words of a certain high-school senior in Sixteen Candles, "void." And she was also kind of sickly-looking a lot of the time, and this generally consumptive air gave her skin color an overall look of gray. And she never, ever talked. Ever. And so my mean friend and I nicknamed her "Rock." And then we wrote a "Rock Theme Song" that went a little something like this:

I like rocks
Rocks are gray
When you talk to a rock
They always say...
[Silent, sardonic pause. Because, well, rocks don't talk.]

I know. The meanest. But besides telling you that story so that you can judge harshly my catty, unevolved 1999 self, I offer it to you as a rather adequate description of Ryan. Silent and rock-like is the real Ryan. And it rhymes! And whatever, my friend broke up with her anyway. I'm telling you, she sucked.

In the limo, Ryan just drones. Here's some of it now: "Before. I felt like you needed to know someone before you get married to them." But now? "If you know enough about 'em, if you know that you love 'em, why not make the commitment?" I have no idea what's going on right now. "If this is going to be some sort of fairy-tale ending, like, I came on television and I met this beautiful person and I'm engaged to her, then let's just carry out the fairy tale. Let's just jump on the...well, not -- jump on the horse isn't right -- let's walk into the sunset. Walk out and live happily ever after." Trista is holding her hair in front of her eyes like it has as good a chance of impressing her verbally as the man sitting way way way across from her in the limo. One network over, Simon and the gang have told thirty people that they are "the worst singer I've ever heard, ever" in three completely different cities in the same amount of time it took this scene to unfold. And rocks are gray.

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