Bachelorette
Oh, The Humanity!

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Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
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Ryan's Hope

And, tiny cars. Jamie tells us that this is his final chance to "secure a spot in the final four." So what better way for the remaining scrubs to get a little alone time with Trista than by jamming helmets on their heads and strapping them in to ridiculous little scooters. Oh, that is so very humiliating. Jamie calls from behind his helmet, "Trista, I'm going to win your love by winning this race," which comes out as "Mmmmftrr, jmgtwinlofraafe." Too bad we're so many years removed from the culturally relevant early days of South Park, or my punch line would have been tidily delivered. Trista waves a flag and the cars take off, racing around the track and around and around and around. Mike wins. Wasn't that exciting? Isn't anything that allows them to booze it up in public? Rob pipes in with his one line this week, in which he tells us that they're on their way to the beach.

And to the beach we go, where we find Bob and Trista sharing some alone time. I'm sorry, but Bob rocks. He worries that she might think he's "a joker 24/7," but she assures him that she knows he has "a very sensitive, serious side." She asks him if he plans on staying in Michigan, and Bob intimates that he'll "never move." Done and done.

Trista asks the same question of Greg, who tells her that he's never had a problem relocating. She tells us that his eyes are gorgeous and that he has "a romantic side." And seeing that this is really the first moment they've spent alone in the whole of this series so far, I can't believe he doesn't rush over to the roaring fire, extinguish it by any means necessary, and play the hollowed insides of the fireplace like a giant steel drum. Play the song, already. PLAY THE SONG!

Jamie, meanwhile, stands awkwardly and feeds Trista a line about good times great oldies or whatever, and then veers precipitously into faux pas territory with the line, "You mind if I kiss you goodnight? Is that okay?" Mishandled. Badly. Trista laughs nervously, telling him, "Well, it is the first date." She allows for a kiss on, kind of, her ear. Trista reminds us again that "it does feel forced with Jamie sometimes," and the coffee klatch reconvenes to find Trista telling the ladies that she worries about making a mistake with Jamie. Trista also digs on Bob, but she uses the excuse about him staying in Michigan as the reason she secretly still thinks he's fat. Sara stares and stares, making the good point that location shouldn't be taken into consideration, and that the tactical concerns will work themselves out if Trista really finds her true love. They all hug goodbye as they're leaving early, and the whole flirtation subplot ultimately fails to materialize. Shannon, Original Bachelor Cast Member, puts way too fine a point on it: "To have to pick one of them, especially after you get to know them more and more, is so difficult. I don't know how she's going to do it." Trista sits on her bed, looking forlorn.

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Bachelorette

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