Bachelorette
Oh, The Humanity!

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Ryan's Hope

Back in the house, Charlie steals Trista away, much to the judging sloping brow of Mike. Outside, Trista is freezing and this is going badly, so Charlie wraps his arms around her and hides her, as he puts it, "behind a wall." That's where most of Russ's girlfriends end up, so why not set the precedent with all the guys? Charlie thanks Trista "from the heart" for everything that's gone on between them, and Trista uses her favorite buzzwords of "natural" and "connection" and "right" to describe where she thinks things are. But a quick cut back into the house finds the party interrupted by Chris, who -- oh, cool, this show has a host now! -- steals Trista away and warns her that they have "work to do." Heh. "Work." How dare Trista just sit around frittering her life away when there are these video messages to attend to? And so upstairs we walk, where Chris gives the usual Q&A spiel: "Are you ready? Do you know exactly who you're choosing tonight?" She confesses that "I'm kind of fightin' the last two roses with three guys right now." And she's still convinced that she will find her true love. And so she tends to the video messages, in which Charlie refers to her as "little one," Bob goes sincere at the 11th hour, Russ stares with dead eyes and keeps the glass of both the video camera's lens and my TV screen from shattering, as is its wont when confronted with evil of such grand design. Jamie apologizes for "the kiss at the end," and Mike (WHO?) talks too! Rob gets one more sound bite in sideways, telling Trista he'd like her to meet his parents. Greg fails to threaten her with song, and Rhymin' tries to talk on the fly. Meanwhile, downstairs, Chris drops off the brass tray that transferred Steve Martin into Lily Tomlin's body in All of Me, this time containing a scant four boutonnieres.

And back down the staircase Trista descends, standing silently for a moment before sympathy begging with the line, "I never know how hard it's going to be until I get here." She thanks all of the bachelors for coming, and tells them all that they're "incredible men." But these four? Slightly more incredible, really:

Charlie, will you accept this rose? It would be his "honor." Wash the hair. WASH IT! Look at it! It's running away from you!

Russ, will you accept this rose? "Oh, definitely." Oh, and also: mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. MWAH HA HA HA HA HA! What's wrong, dear? I'm just laughing because I'm happy. The evil-implying "mwah" at the beginning of each gale? Oh, that's because I am your Dark Lord And Master. But look! A burlap sack with a big dollar sign embroidered across the front of it! I must have just found a bag of money! Want it?

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Bachelorette

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