Oh, The Humanity!

Episode Report Card
Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
Ryan's Hope

Y'all, they fixed the typo on "Guy's House"! I am so convinced they saw the skewering they were taking on the forums and made the quickie change before this episode aired. We are so grassroots we should run for President Of ABC on the Green Party ticket. Wait. We rule. The title banner now reads the grammatically correct but no more creative, "Guys' House." And apparently it's fun to stay at the XY-MCA, as we find the remaining bachelors with little to do but hang out by the pool and devise ill-fated plans by which they will install a totally kick-ass beer tap where the -- what's that one pointless appliance called...oh, yes -- "shower head" now resides. Into the living room walks Chris "Hostess With The...Some" Harrison, wearing a completely khaki outfit he ripped off a now-naked mannequin at the entrance to his local Chess King retailer. But even this outfit is half-obscured by a misshapen and poorly fitting black coat he ripped right out of 1985. Silly Chris Harrison...didn't he know that that coat was only meant for members only? Lucky for him he decided to accessorize with three hot chicks, and he introduces the assembled gentlemen to Sara, Missy, and Shannon. The guys' eyes register knowledge -- wasn't knowing who Trista was a prerequisite for being here now? -- as Chris explains that the women are there to decide who gets one-on-one dates with Trista. Mike (who? Exactly), for one, doesn't seem to care whether he gets one or not, shifting his allegiance and interviewizing, "I immediately recognized [Shannon] when she walked in, and I look forward to getting to know her a little bit better." Oh, gross. Is Mike in love with Trista or is Mike in love with love? Considering the fact that his shoe size went up three sizes when he saw Shannon, I'm guessing he'll be fine with whoever deigns to have a conversation with him first.

Yeesh. Clips and clips of guys in rapid-fire Q&A. If the Oxford English Dictionary as of yet lacks an entry for the word "mantage" (noun; a series of rapid-fire interview clips designed specifically to highlight the conversational inadequacies of the average earth-dwelling reality-show-participating male), I'd like to submit this segment as its first official citing. Out by the pool, The Three Wise Women sit across a table from Mike, scorecards in hand, ready to judge him on qualifications less shallow than his so-square-it- can-be-mapped- mathematically-in-geometry- proof-form head and vaguely BaBa-Booey-esque jaw line. For instance, there's his...nah, that's actually all there is to him, isn't it? Sad. And I would mention that his tight ribbed shirt seems to have corporate underwriting by Aeropostale, but so soon off of the Chess King reference, I'm trying to stay in the recap and out of the Short Hills Mall. So off they go, the ladies grilling him first, asking, "When it comes to sex, would you consider yourself a giver, a taker, a pleaser, or a teaser?" Because there's no better way to meet your mate than with an educational reading from Seuss's Sex Tips For Girls. Anyway, Mike is a self-proclaimed "giver." Rob is also "a giver," and you may feel free to tack on "of his own ride to the airport," if you feel the way I do about his rapidly deteriorating chances here. Greg is a "pleaser." Ew. Rhymin' loves the poetic lilt to the question so much that he asks if he can be "a giver, a taker, and a pleaser." We don't get to hear Bob's answer, because I'll bet he kind of makes fun of them a little and is all, "I think I told you. I'm a lover, not a fighter." Because Bob? Kind of rules. And me? I chose "candlestick maker." Or, wait. Was that not one of the choices?

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