Oh, The Humanity!

Episode Report Card
Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
Ryan's Hope

Back inside, Shannon (whose official title is, in this insular universe, "Original Bachelor Cast Member," like how some people get to be "a lawyer" and some people get to be "a registered nurse" but some people are always just "our returning champion") tells us that she was excited to meet these guys, because of what they mean to Trista. Missy, meanwhile, foreshadows that she can't believe that Jamie isn't higher on Trista's list. There's full consensus, however, about Russ, about whom Missy tells us, "The first person that she was 100% attracted to is Russ," following up, "When he sat down at our table, we were all kinda like, 'This is Russell?'" Heh. They all dig Ryan, though, noting with sincerity, "He's a firefighter." Y'all, firemen are our nation's heroes. But I tell you what I'm not going to do? I'm not going to make fun of Ryan by writing bad poetry. He's got the market cornered. I simply couldn't do worse. Shannon, Original Bachelor Cast Member, thinks Charlie is "a great-looking guy." Well, I say that Shannon, Original Bachelor Cast Member, cannot be asked to judge normative male beauty when she refuses to cancel her subscription to International Male. So there.

Shannon, Original Bachelor Cast Member, enters the living room holding a VHS tape. In an interview, Charlie -- already dressed for his one-on-one date with Trista -- tells us, "I think that if I can get her alone, that's where I'll be able to shine." We return to the living room to find Russell the beneficiary of the first video date request, as Trista tells him in front of the whole room, "Because this is my first one-on-one date, I wanted to do something that both of us have never done before." Drink the warm blood of an adorable scurrying animal and then hold its still quivering mass of draining life up to the deserted heavens as a foretelling of His Dark Master's impending reign on earth? Oh, wait...I forgot one of the date's participants was Russell. I think that's actually what Russell means when he says that the most important part of any good relationship is "sacrifice."

The following sequence, edited into soup by the fine folks down at The Cobble Hill Editing Lab, begins with Trista arriving at ManDaLay Bay to pick up Russ, the first (and most deadly) of her one-on-one suitors. Tuck in the shirttails, little man. Or, wait. Would that reveal the tail? Trista voices over that this date is so important because "I told him that he needs to lay off the aggression and let it go naturally." Back in the Vaseline-y dream gaze of The Not Too Distant Past, we flashback to last week's episode and again watch Trista telling Russ (in front of a roaring fire that he's controlling with his mind), "The guys that I'm normally attracted to are the guys who aren't really aggressive." She likes guys like Russ when they're not guys like Russ. Trista adds that when they're together, "it feels great" (ew. What does? What is "it"? And again, ew), but that she needs to know he's taken what she said "to heart." Ha! Made you look! Russ doesn't have a heart. Y'all, whose dog is that?

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