Bachelorette
Oh, The Humanity!

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Ryan's Hope

Everyone seems to have magically assembled in the living room when Shannon, Original Bachelor Cast Member, enters with another videotape. Sara tells us that they "picked Charlie" for a reason that can't be because "he has this fantastic package," which is definitely what I think she said. Blink. BLINK! This videotape reveals Trista falling right out of a purple bathing suit and standing in front of a swimming pool, telling him almost nonsensically, "My friends say you deserve to be treated like royalty. But first we're gonna get a chance to play." Meh? Anyway: "So grab your swimsuit and prepare to get drenched. But don't worry. We'll have lots of time to dry off together later." Various testosterone-fueled whoops ring out in the living room, as we cut to Trista entering the house to find Charlie decked out in his best black wife-beater (actually, this must be his second-best one. Guys who wear clothes like that save their very best tank tops to get married in). And here we are at Wild Rivers USA, where kids pee in the wave pool and reality-show flunkies find love. That's totally what's written in Latin across the top of the Wild Rivers official seal. Trista and Charlie go on various water rides and fall into various pools, as the two of them gallivant in skimpy clothes and break five thousand applicable theme-park zoning edicts by drinking alcohol in public out of open containers made of actual glass while swimming in a pool. Without even waiting an hour after getting loaded to go swimming! Their mothers failed.

Stepping into their Über War Limo, Trista tells us that they are headed from the water park to "Saks Fifth Avenue," and we cut inside the car to hear Charlie pouring his heart out about finding out that a girlfriend had been cheating on him. Trista confesses that the same thing happened to her (a girlfriend cheated on...oh, never mind), and Charlie bowls her over and continues with his story. She voices over, "He's been cheated on. I've been cheated on. We can relate to that." Which means they share one more thing in common: that they clearly both SUCK IN BED! No, I'm totally kidding. Getting cheated on is totally the worst. It ruins lives and makes snow globes into murder weapons. Avoid avoid avoid. Trista thinks that once you're cheated on, it makes you "stay faithful because he knows how bad it hurts to get cheated on." True. Actually, a total falsehood.

Über War Limo pulls up to Saks, where we find a stylist the closed captioning tells me is named "Jose Eber" waiting for Trista. Wearing what I think is a leather cowboy hat that screams, "I am wearing this because I am flamboyant and ironic, as well as being a reminder of how glad you are you sent that creepy Brook guy packing," Jose Eber (I'll just bet he insists on being referred to by both names all the time) and his team style Trista's hair and makeup while Charlie watches. Jose Eber tells us in an exaggerated hodgepodge accent from the ambiguous faraway land of "Foreignia" (I believe Jamie played them in the Fake Basketball Olympics once, in fact), "Gonn-a-ta make-a ee-you preetee and bee-oo-tee-fool fahr grayteh romanteek deenair." Charlie sits patiently, telling us, "She looked amazing after that was done." We cut to Trista in a bathrobe holding (natch) a near-empty (or, for you optimists in the crowd, "nearly refilled") glass of champagne, made-up and wandering around Saks. And who does she bump into? Why, look! It's noted designer Shoshanna Lonstein! Y'all, did I seriously just stumble into the dailies of Born Rich for a second, because I feel very bourgeois all of a sudden and I want to go home and eat a lot of Taco Bell. This is way too glam for me. Shoshanna introduces herself to Trista (yes, dear, we all know who you are), and Trista voices over, "I can't believe she came here just for me." Unless your name is "scads of free press" or "an advertisement of my products for middle-class American women who now mistakenly think they can afford me," I don't think she is. Cut to Trista looking heavily made up and sporting Midwest Prom Hair, emerging from behind a door wearing a red Lonstein dress because this is what all pediatric physical therapists do. And, back at Mann's Caucasian Theater, Trista's boobies tell Ryan that they're all going on a date that will "fit [his] gentle nature." And she hears that "Shamu may be joining us for dinner." Is that a fat joke? Bob: "Is that a fat joke? Am I going?" Heh. He's pretty one-note, people, but you've got to admit that that one note is far more compelling than the whole of Russ's lushly-orchestrated Satan Symphony.

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