My Friend Beth: Why's he even buying a ring?
Djb: Because he wins.
My Friend Beth: No, he doesn't.
My Friend Beth: Even if he does, it's not like he's going to do anything with it.
Djb: The gummy bun and lettuce is actually better than the gummy bun and patty.
My Friend Beth: Dan, they're exactly the same.
"I made a promise to myself and a promise and to my brother that I wouldn't be proposing at the end of this journey. But I can't tell you how strongly I feel about Meredith. Right now, I am torn." But if you feel so strongly now, surely you still will in six months? If you just wait and don't do anything too...ah, forget it.
Oooh, she needs a total makeover. Meredith is blathering on about choosing a guy who's right for her blee blah, but she's having her hair done, and the stylist pulls it all the way back and against her head and she looks just like Yoanna!
Holy pecs, Farmer Ted! Matthew steps out of the shower and into an International Male catalogue, shaving and coiffing. He is excited for Meredith to tell him that he's all she wants because she has Horribly Misguided him. Ian? Hairy.
The screen splits and splits again, and each of the men is shown getting into his limo. Wow! These effects! Did Mike Fleiss produce my video yearbook?
Selfless, cold, and composed once more, Meredith sits down with Chris "Emb" Harrison up the Gloom Room. She cops to being "nervous" but "excited," explaining that she's looking forward to its being over. She tells Chris that she's definitely "in love" with someone, and that she expects that it will last "forever and ever." She worries about the honesty she'll need to tell Matthew...er, I mean, "the failed suitor" the truth about how she feels. Chris shakes her hands and tells her, "I'm happy for you," but he's so cynical about the whole process that he's already downstairs welcoming next season's crop of women.
Meredith descends the steps of the manse as a stock footage limo makes its way into the driveway. Car. Car. Car. Car pulling up. Meredith staring. Chris walking. Chris walking down steps. Chris opening car door. Person stepping out. Matthew. Cue sad guitar. ALREADY? He approaches the house and tells us how in love he is with her. Standing at the front, Meredith does some quick yogic breathing and exhales sharply. He approaches the middle and asks her how she is. She tells him how nervous she is and takes his hands in hers. And, heartbreak: "I want to start off by saying that you are a wonderful man. You have been nothing but open and loving and taking care of me and I never, ever have had to worry when I'm with you. My family loves you. I love your family. I mean, there's nothing that I don't love about you. Absolutely nothing." He's, like, reaching for the ring. And she offers him a sixteen-minute silent gap in which he could do it. I feel like she just read off the wrong name for the Oscar winner, and Keisha Castle-Hughes is all halfway up the podium, like, "Who, MEEEE?" before she looks down again and is all, "Awww, crap." When she finishes a pause long enough to stuff full with what I hope was just Television Without Pity's first official reference to Keisha Castle-Hughes (judges? ["yup" -- Wing Chun]), she changes tacks a little: "There's a 'but.' And the 'but' is I feel more strongly about someone else and that's it." She starts to cry. Matthew tells her it's okay. "Breast Cancer and Weight: Eyewitness News, 11 PM." Now, if Cocoa Puffs were proven to beat breast cancer, there would be a lot of broke women watching the 11 o'clock news. Matthew tells Meredith, "I am blessed to have ever met you and to have you in my life for a moment has been so special to me. And I'm a better man because of it. But you're following your heart. And there's nothing wrong with that." Listen to your heart when he's calling for you. Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do. I don't know where you're going and I don't know why. But listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye. Listen to your heart, Meredith. And listen to Matthew. But more than anything -- and I really mean this -- listen to Roxette.