Bachelorette
One of the Bachelors Has a Surprise for Jillian

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Previously on I couldn't care less about this freaking show: Jillian finally got around to dumping Wes because he wasn't affectionate enough. I don't think it's a total coincidence that the commercial that preceded this episode was for Raid. "Kills Bugs Dead" and then two seconds later there's Wes' ugly mug.

Tonight Jillian is in Maui with her final three fellas and Daniel somehow still manages to be on vacation... damn him. We're treated to scenes of Jillian in a bikini playing in the surf dreaming about getting proposed to. She draws little hearts in the sand, with the letter J + ?. I don't know if it is because I ate too much ice cream at dinner [You ate ice cream for dinner? -- Mindy] or what, but I'm already nauseous and it is only about three minutes in.

The first date is with Kiptyn. She's 90 percent sure about him. Which translates to her running across a skinny little bridge and jumping on him the second she sees him. They take a little golf cart/Jeep thing, with her behind the wheel, and they head off down a dirt road. She says their date is a trust adventure. They arrive at their destination to do a ropes course. It's going to teach her if Kiptyn has what it takes to be a team player. Which confuses me because all of these tasks seem to be solo. But it is far from the most baffling thing about this show, so I'll ignore it. She's supposed to go first across a wobbly bridge, but chickens out. He offers to go first, and then gives her encouragement from the other side. Kiptyn likes that she's showing her girly weak side. OK, not his exact words, but that's the general sentiment. She likes that he didn't take it too seriously and he was goofy. She compares his tightrope walking skills to watching a baby giraffe. Kiptyn doesn't mind playing the clown for her if it makes her happy.

Their last task is to climb a telephone pole and stand on the top of it and then jump out into nothing and try and grab a trapeze. It's called the leap of faith. Kiptyn climbs right up, but Jill gets nervous at the top of her pole. My dirty mind is racing with gross jokes, but I'll spare you. Kiptyn coaches her up and encourages her. Then they both take a deep breath and leap for the trapeze. She isn't even close, but he nails it. Then some ziplining to wind things down. They share a little sunset snack of fruit, and they joke around. He tries to woo her with some cornball lines. It seems to work.

Nighttime date. Jill's all gussied up in a simple little black outfit, slim pants and a tight tank, but it's not nearly as cute as anything she wore in Spain. They have a fancy dinner outdoors. Her favorite part of the day was when he talked her through the leap of faith. She says she's not as strong as she might always seem. She keeps referring to the telephone pole as a totem pole, but in my limited knowledge of totem polls, they typically have designs on them. This pole was just a big hunk of wood with footholds. I know I'm being nitpicky, but if you are going to fill two hours with inane chatter and her saying the word totem pole about 100 times, it's going to get under my skin. Now it's time to pester him with annoying questions. She wants to know if he has any flaws. He claims that he's impatient, and that he's never been fully committed to his previously relationships. Jillian tells him that she trusts him the most of anyone, but she's scared that their relationship might work out as terribly as all of his previously relationships. That's how most dating scenarios play out, Jill. He doesn't want to hurt her, and he feels that she's someone he could spend a lifetime with. She pulls out the Fantasy Suite card from her napkin, like magic. He's all for it, but it's up to her. She's said she didn't like leaving him in Madrid and she doesn't want to pass up another opportunity.

At the hotel, there's champagne and candles and the two of them making out all over the bed. Kiptyn does that coy thing where he closes the doors on the cameras, so they can have alone time. Like we think they are playing Scrabble in there? I don't want to see them doing anything, but they don't have to pretend to be all pure here. We get it. And it is gross. But I watch far worse on television, so I can't really judge.

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