One of the Bachelors Has a Surprise for Jillian

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Angel Cohn: B- | Grade It Now!
Ups and Downs

Date two is Reid. Jill has a special romantic date planned, and it apparently involves a beach ball. She jokes that they are just going to hang out, so he doesn't get distracted, but he doesn't care, he just wants to make out. Aw. So smooth that Reid. He's a total cheeseball. Then a helicopter arrives. It's his first time in one and she's superpsyched about that. He compares their ride to being in heaven. The pilot jokes that he's an ordained minister and could marry them on the spot. Reid looks dumbstruck and then interviews that on the fly marriages are not his style.

They have a picnic near the ocean. She interviews that she could see him at the end of the aisle when she walks down. She bluntly then asks him if she freaked him out talking about marriage. He says that the time frame has been a little rushed for him, so he's out of his comfort zone. This is because he's a rational human being. He then says that he doesn't like her being with other guys. Again, totally makes sense. She wants to know if this was their last date and he had to decide tomorrow, what would he do? Would he profess his love? She expects an answer at dinner. She interviews that she wants to give him time, but she's also on this stupid reality show with time constraints built in, so she doesn't really have the luxury of exploring a lasting relationship with someone, she just needs someone attractive who can propose.

For their evening date, they have dinner at the beach... with tiki torches even. She giggles when she sees him. She looks cute in a long tangerine colored dress. He toasts to the best dates he's ever had. Jill thinks they have serious chemistry, so she lets him off the hook easily. She talks about where they'd live. Then she says he has to be ready to propose at the end of this. He kind of says maybe, and she laughs at him. He says if she'd kicked him in the ass today, they could have gotten married on the helicopter. He tries to put his feelings into words, and he gets all shy and doesn't really answer it. Time to play the Fantasy Suite card. He says that he's scared... because he got denied once. Then he interviews that he needs that extra alone time to feel more confident in their relationship.

More candles, more cuddling on the bed. He again tells her that he's not good with words and expressing feelings. He's afraid of the L word, because he doesn't say it a lot. I think he still might think this is for real. He interviews that he might not make it to the end because he didn't lie and say that he loved her when he didn't. Clothes strewn on the floor and then they are in a bubble bath. She toasts to his attempt at opening up. More kissing, no cute little door closing. Just lots of candles and bubbles.

Now here's my question... how exactly does the next morning shake out. Does she kick him out of the suite so she can get ready for her date with the next guy? Does she sneak back to her room doing the walk of shame? Is there no breakfast date or morning after snuggling? Just curious.

The next day, it's time for Ed's date. It is on a boat. A really big boat. Maybe a yacht? Again, his hair doesn't look entirely terrible, so I can see why she might like him. Because with his hair product free, he kind of looks weird. The duo finds some canvas netting that they lay on that happens to be very bouncy, like a trampoline. After hopping around they settle down and chat. He says that he's been thinking about her every day... and not work. She whines again that she never got to meet his family and she can't imagine getting engaged without meeting his family. He says that his family calls him Richie. She latches on to that little nugget of info. Then they are diving into the water and swimming around/making out. He claims that he's caught up in her, but he's still doing that thing where he doesn't actually ever look directly at her. She interviews that she wants to be around him constantly. He says that he wants her to meet his family, so he flew them out there. He meaning the show producers. Clearly. She flips out, because it means he listens to her and really cares about her. Or knew that it would make more compelling television because the producers told him so. One of those things, I'm sure.

Afternoon meet-the-family date. Judy and Rick are donning Hawaiian shirts and chilling at their hotel. She starts telling them what she likes about their son. Jill and Judy both like to play cards. What a terribly un-fascinating coincidence. Judy drags Jill outside and says that this really isn't Ed's scene, but whatever. Inside, Rick wants to know why the hell they got dragged to Hawaii. Don't question a free trip, dude. Ed says he was able to salvage his job. Ed interviews that his dad worries that Ed's career is going to go to pot because of this fucking stupid show. I'm with dad. Ed brushes it all off. Dad does appreciate that he made a mistake and is trying to make it right. Ed says that he'll propose, if Jill picks him. Rick does seem happy, or buzzed off the beer he's drinking. Outside Judy just nods and smiles while Jill blathers on. Rick interrupts the girl chat. Dad wants to know a lot about her and basically what her intentions are. Dad has a strange mustache, and seems to be teary when talking about his son throwing away his career opening up his heart.

Afterwards, Ed and Jill discuss their conversations on the beach. They both think it went well. Then Jill pulls out the Fantasy Suite card. She can't pass it up. Of course. He doesn't seem to mind this suggestion. She wants to wrap up the day so they can have "intimate cozy sexytimes." Yes, those were her exact words. Lovely.

He shows up at the suite with the dopiest looking hairdo yet. Jill interviews that she finds him so sexy. He makes her heart skip a beat. You say so, lady. This fantasy suite is not nearly as nice as the one in Spain, but there are more candles and flowers and the usual. I'm sure they don't care about the d├ęcor as much as I do. He says he's nervous because he wants to tell her that he loves her. She says that she's worried that she'll end up taking a backseat to his work. He explains that he's looking for her to help him with some work/life balance. He's staring off into space while he's telling her this. That drives me bananas. Then he claims that he's falling in love with her, and he doesn't care about anything else. He wants this to be the perfect night. I'm worried that their papasan chair is going to fall over. Not to worry, since he lifts her and carries her to the bed. A few minutes later she gets up and goes to the bathroom, and comes back wearing a strange little nightgown, which is long sleeved, but really low cut. Hot? Hard to say. It's time for massage oil. OK. Close the little doors now, producers. Please? My eyes. My eyes! I don't need to see him oiling her up. Really, I don't. Thankfully, they finally cut away, but the drumming music is still going. As the lights turn out and the cameras scan down to the beach and the calm surf lapping at the beach. Ah, that's a much nicer sight than the massage oil. I feel refreshed now, thanks.

Suddenly, the lights turn back on in their room and we see Ed face down on the bed and Jillian straddling him in a bizarre hug. Oh no, did he die? She interviews that it wasn't quite a fantasy. She claims they were exhausted and sunburned, but they didn't really have the passion that she expected. Or as she puts it that "I want my hands to be all over you" feeling. Ah, it was a flop. Performance anxiety in front of the camera, perhaps? She says she wanted to be "affectionate" with him the whole run of the show, and the feelings aren't quite there. She's crying and stressed out. Ed claims that his nerves got the best of him and that he couldn't show her how much she meant to him. He admits this might have given her the wrong impression, and he doesn't know how he'll react if he gets sent home. I think if he can't look at her, and he can't get it up, even with hot oil and lots of booze, that it probably isn't meant to be, but that's just me. Call me romantic.

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