Bachelorette
One On One's So Slow

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Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Lanny, Get Your Gun

Props to Ryan's insane space shoes, which I can't believe I didn't find time to mention elsewhere.

Friends! Romans! Bachelors! Lend me your pride! Thus spake the master orator Chris "What About Us Brain Dead Slobs/You'll Be Given Cushy Jobs" Harrison, who kicks things off in front of the mantel that continually threatens to upstage the poor man, so vanilla-flavored are they both. "Fellas, good morning," he offers, and the low, guttural, apelike response to his call moves me to Windex the stray Y-chromosomes off of my screen so that I may continue enjoying the visual aspects of this exciting new medium called television. Chris: "I wanna introduce to you to two of Meredith's closest friends." Her first friend is not, as we naturally assumed, a Ouija Board with the word "Nana" scrawled across the top in black magic marker, as well it probably should have been. Instead, one of her "closest friends" is last season's runner-up and this season's heavily favored pick for Bachelorette, Kelly Jo, who smiles gamely like the Hooter's girl she should actively consider becoming and gazes around the room with a decided look of "Hands off the horse roper, bitchcakes, I'm roping myself a Lanny before I truck outta Malibu." Meredith's other closest friend is "TJ," who, Chris banters stiltedly, "TJ, who she's been buddies with for, what, eleven years?" TJ looks back at Chris and nods, as if there could have been any other response of the "no, actually, I've only known her for sixteen minutes, having met her on a television set where emotions are synthetically amped up to paint those around you as caricatures by which they are either your worst enemies or their so-called 'closest friends' even though you've never met her parents and don't know her middle name or her CULINARY SCHOOL AMBITIONS, as is the case here with my partner in crime, Little Mary Fameshine next to me" variety.

TJ kicks it first to a confessional, because TJ is getting his first taste in front of the cameras and has actually brought a stopwatch with him on-set to ensure that he gets his full, unadulterated fifteen minutes, whereas Kelly Jo just believes her endless charming appearances on this show and Cold Pizza and Kimmel will last as long as television itself. In her mind, saying that you enjoy television is tantamount to speaking the sentence, "Me, I want to be in the Kelly Jo business, is where I want to be," so she's happy to let newbie TJ get a crack at it and see how it works out for him.

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