Bachelorette
One On One's So Slow

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Lanny, Get Your Gun

"Giving me a rose this evening would be a bit of risk-taking for Meredith," Sean tells us. He sits down with her and reminds her that they haven't spent that much time together, and that she has to go with her gut. Matthew, meanwhile, tells Meredith how much he missed her, but worries that he'll never know where he stands until the rose is in his hand. Oh, hi Chris.

Up in the Gloom Room, Chris asks Meredith where her head is, and she responds that she feels she has a connection with each of the guys. She's excited about ending up with "a potential life partner," but again, she doesn't know who. Chris reminds her that tonight is a very serious point, and she tells us how not easy it is to send three guys home. Chris hands her the letters that each of the guys wrote to Meredith a really, really, really long time ago, which she muses over before heading over to the video messages. Chad is excited about their "awesome" time together but would like a rose! Brad wants a rose because he wants Meredith to meet his family! Ian wants a rose because he wants Meredith to meet his family! Ryan wants a rose because he wants Meredith to meet his family, intuitively! Lanny wants a rose because he wants Meredith to meet his family! Sean wants a rose because he wants Meredith to meet his family! Matthew wants a rose because he wants Meredith to meet his family! Man. I can't take it anymore.

And I almost don't have to! For a whole six days more! For Chris carries the tray of boutonnières down the spiral staircase and reminds the guys that the next dates are the hometown ones. Meredith does the very same when she enters, telling them, "Wow. I've had a connection with each of you. And it really means a lot that you are here, that I've had this experience with you. I just thank you from the bottom of my heart." Except for three of you. Three of you can go to Hell and hang out with the single mothers.

Matthew, will you accept this rose? Whatever. Square head. Can we go home soon?

Lanny, will you accept this rose? Will you sing the second verse of "When I Marry Mr. Snow"? Will you please pass the halibut?

Chad, will you accept this rose? If you have to pick it up with chopsticks? Psych! I never thought he was getting one, I have to say.

And, finally:

Ian, will you accept the next four roses? WRAP IT UP, PEOPLE.

Ryan shifts so uncomfortably that one of the unlucky production staff members might just have to be called in just to change his poopy diaper. While Sean graciously admits he's "disappointed" because he's a "caring, sensitive person who's going to be a great provider and a great father and a great husband," Ryan gets the last Crazy Word in, pointing to his shoulder and telling us, "She told me my heart was here. Why didn't she want my heart here? Where does she want my heart? Does she not want a heart this big?" He keeps his heart in his suit jacket's shoulder pad? Wait. He's not done. "She didn't give it a chance. She didn't give it a chance." He inhales majestically and looks away from the camera, hoping that when he turns back there'll be a big, fat offer for his own Shakespearean acting company waiting for him to sign. Because this, really, was a performance. Who know someone could fake cry in iambic pentameter? Ryan? Bravo. Now I beg of you. Go.

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