Bachelorette
One On One's So Slow

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Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Lanny, Get Your Gun

And you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter, and you'd...get on with it! Back in the living room, Brad is sent first to meet KJ and TJ by the pool. He begins his letter, "When I look in Meredith's eyes." Buzz! No. Not a letter. You fail. No connection for you, one year. Next! "Meredith has impressed me in ways I never thought possible," SquareHead begins. Nothing in the "to" field. Not a letter. A mandate? Perhaps. A mission statement? Entirely possible. A nutrition facts label off of a can of cheap beer? If you're Lanny, almost definitely. But a bona fide correspondence, as the assignment insisted? Not so much. Not yet.

Sean: "In getting to know Meredith, it's not about finding out her favorite color or movie or cereal." Her favorite cereal? Is that what he just said? Is Kelly Jo trying really hard not to laugh? If not, shouldn't she be? Hey, you guys? I have eaten Cheerios literally every single morning. But secretly, I freakin' love me some Cinnamon Toast Crunch. There. Now, will you marry me?

Lanny keeps way too much eye contact with TJ and KJ, which is not a good quality when you're supposed to be READING A LETTER. Ryan M. notes, "In our past dates at times, I have rambled on," and the viewing public wishes the language would expand to allow an accepted written version of the word "sh-yah," the "no duh" of onomatopoetic non-written communication. Ian, meanwhile, makes unfailing eye contact as well, which is not a good quality when you're supposed to be READING A LETTER, but you can afford a few quotes out of context when you're the Lord of the Rings favorite in the Meredith Oscar race.

Dear Meredith. Ah? Chad addresses his letter in the grammatically appropriate second person, setting himself apart with phrases like "the way I feel I'm with you" and "how comfortable I am around you," the strict adherence to the spirit of the assignment cleverly masking the fact that the letter also includes observations such as, "It was kinda weird, but before I came out to this experience, I went out and bought some new clothes." Well, isn't that something. And then, god love 'em, the beef-headed monster actually chokes up at his own Harlequin writing, ending with, "I do want the best for you and I can't wait to see you again. It's just the beginning." Crying? Clothes shopping? Surely this powder-puff wouldn't be men enough for the likes of -- but what's this? -- "Chad." It's signed! Like a letter should be! P.S. You're a shoo-in. In what I think you just told us were new shoes.

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Bachelorette

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