Bachelorette
One On One's So Slow

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Lanny, Get Your Gun

Super Gay Mario rows Chad and Meredith gently down the stream as they sip champagne and speak of Chad's great, big, throbbing...heart. Meredith tells him that word is he has the biggest heart. Man, I guess the time when a dude crying at the thought of his lover made him the world's biggest something else entirely are loooooooong gone. "There's an old Italian tradition you have to kiss under every bridge," Super Gay Mario tells Meredith and Chad from the rowing place at the back, and so Chad kisses Meredith under a bridge because the sovereign nation of Italy told them that they had to, which I'm going to start using on dates from now until forever. Hey, can you pick up the check? Italy said you would. Dude. Italy.

Meanwhile, back at the ManSion, a square head inside my square television creates a geometric wormhole back through time and allows me to view my own birth. Then it tells us, "Lanny noticed that there was a box out on the post on the porch." And, sure as shootin', we cut to an exterior shot of Lanny foraging for nuts and berries and coming across a plain box just kinda sitting there. Whereas any single other context on earth would have the bomb squad surrounding the premises and carbon testing the steps for white powder, here in girly dream land it's a box full of lady. Inside the second date box, Meredith invites Matthew to take their relationship to "new heights." Kelly Jo credits Matthew's dimples as his reason for having a "connection" with Meredith or some such thing, and Matthew smiles and tells us in a confessional, "Honestly, when Meredith said my name, I didn't hear or see anything else." Which is too bad, because the rest of the video message actually said, "...even though Ian is going to win." So, don't walk out of the play if you want to know the ending.

Brad, meanwhile, is not pleased not to have a one-on-one, telling us, "I feel sad. I'm sad, but I'm also upset, too." And with linguistic precision so subtle that he can parse the difference between "sad" and "upset," it's a wonder his letter didn't make more of an impression with the judges. Better get working on those letter-accentuating dimples, Alice Dimpless.

Meanwhile, the gon-DO-la takes Meredith and Chad to two floating pods in the middle of the water, which are decked out with flowers and dinner and the fuuuuuuuture. They enjoy a sushi dinner, and Chad cops to not knowing how to use chopsticks, celebrating the fact that Meredith helps him learn. Which I guess is okay and all, but if Meredith is so well-heeled that she can't even entertain the notion of someone never having been on a gon-DO-la, the last thing I imagine she'd want to do is teach someone to use eating utensils. ["Whatever. Just ask for a fork, dude; that's what I do." -- Wing Chun] Chad takes several flailing bites, and Meredith laughs right at him, causing an awkward Chad to observe, "You have such an infectious laugh. You really do. That's great," while totally not laughing. "He makes me laugh and I have no idea why," Meredith observes in a confessional, having spent way too much on the pronunciation key of gon-DO-la to have looked up the word "condescending." If he's still hungry due to lack of aptitude with the chopsticks, perhaps Chad would like to take a bite out of his own meat head.

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Bachelorette

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