Bachelorette
Trista & Ryan's Wedding, Part 1

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Death Wears A Sweater Set

Trista critiques some of the arrangements, and Mark notes, "I think you like the stuff that's really romantic." Trista knee-jerks, "I do," before grabbing Ryan's arm and correcting herself, "We do." Ryan snarks, "I'm here too, Mark," and Mark endears himself to just about nobody, responding, "I forgot." Way to give everyone a voice, Mark. ["Dude, they're looking at flower arrangements. Straight men don't care. I don't even care." -- Wing Chun] Over at another table completely bedecked in pink flowers, Mark notes, "This is the pink table." See, this is why we leave it to the professionals, people. Mark asks if it's "too pink," and Ryan pipes up to note that probably not every table should be that pink. In a confessional, Ryan reminds us of Trista's love for peenk, but adds that he won't "allow this pink, flowery, girly, Strawberry Shortcake wedding." Why, did Mindy do the Shortcake wedding also? The, um, Sandler-Shortcake wedding?

Oh, man, Ryan's so miserable it could just about kill you. In another confessional at a wholly other time with exactly the same sentiment, Ryan reiterates that he's excited about the day that they're heading for, but "getting to that day is a real effort, a real process, and a real challenge." Sitting between Mindy and Trista in the back of a limo, Ryan practically looks into the camera and begs us to take him anywhere but here. From an enormous bag, Mindy takes out a bag that she tells him is "Ryan's Wedding Survival Kit." He deadpans, "What is this, a whole bunch of morphine?" No, it's Superman, and he's going to fly really fast around the world backwards to take us back in time to Ryan misspelling his name on his Bachelorette application and making none of this ever have happened. Thank you, Superman! Actually, it's a Game Boy of some kind. And also a piece of paper on which is hilariously written, "Suggested Answers to Trista's Wedding Questions," which I wouldn't recap if you...oh, fine. Honestly, I must live for you people:

1. Oh, that looks terrific.
2. Whatever you think, Trista.
3. Do you think that might be just a little too much pink?
4. I can't wait!
5. To Die For!
6. Let me think about that one for a minute...

Oh, the man-hating, castrating hilarity!

Below that is another list entitled "Acceptable 'one word' answers," but on the basis of the words "one word" being quoted for emphasis (an egregious error) and the completely unnecessary capitalization of the words "To Die For," I'm calling a two-minute grammatical penalty and skipping ahead.

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