I was hoping to find out that since the last time I recapped a show in The Bachelor universe that maybe the producers or viewers had come to their senses -- well, not their full senses, because that would mean the show was cancelled and the creators prosecuted at some kind of cultural crimes against humanity war tribunal -- I was hoping that maybe for once this show would just be an hour because I've found that since I moved to the East Coast that the show is on so late that I am very tired when I'm finished recapping it, as opposed to when I lived out west and was just very disappointed with humanity in general when I finished an episode.
But no, it's two hours for no satisfactory reason that has ever been given to anybody, so I guess I'll just settle in for the duration. I haven't watched this show all season, because I refuse to watch it when I'm not being paid to do so. It is an excellent rule, except for the part where you think about it a little bit and conclude that I am some kind of television whore, and not the kind of television whore that appears on this show. Let's just move on.
So: previously on this show, Ashley gets laryngitis and climbs into bed because there is a man named Bentley who left her with a dot-dot-dot, and she needs closure or else she might never find love. She says she wants a clean break, and Chris Harrison is going to work his ass off to make that happen, but we'll quickly find out they're both lying.
And I understand that there previously a man in a mask who dared to ask the question: Is there any way to make a contestant on this show even less likeable? Answer: surprisingly, yes.
The sun is an orange gobstopper in the sky over Hong Kong, which Ashley says is one of her favorite cities she's ever been to, which kind of makes it sound like it doesn't measure up so well when Ashley ranks all the places she's never been to, which I assume includes imaginary places like Pretty Pony Island and the Land of a Thousand Sincere Gentlemen. There is a shot of Ashley standing still while sped-up camera work shows the hustle and bustle of Hong Kong all around her, all patronizingly stranger-in-a-strange-land. In the previews, Ashley said she wanted a "clean break" from Bentley, by which she apparently meant that she was going to talk about him as much as possible. And as I understand it, it's not like he even left on the last episode, but the one before the last episode, right? Isn't the Bachelorette supposed to spend an inordinate amount of time mooning over the previous Bachelor who jilted her in the last season? OK, bad example with the last sorry specimen being Brad and not someone you would waste more than five minutes pining for, but you take my point.