And now it's time for the rose ceremony, unfailingly my second-favorite part of the show (other than the credits). Three roses to hand out, with Lucas, Ryan and J.P. already safe. Ashley comes out, and says she didn't expect things to go the way they did, and she feels selfish for expecting them to feel the same relief she felt, and she's doing well until she clearly insincerely says what she feels for them is so much more than what she felt for Bentley.
So let's hand out the roses! First one goes to Ben. "Yes, ma'am," he says, when she offers it to him. Ashley takes five minutes to hand the next rose to Constantine, who "absolutely" accepts it. That's when Harrison makes his beyond-parody trip out to tell everyone who lost track counting to two that this is the last rose. Does he pull this kind of shit at home? If I were Chris Harrison, I would. "Honey, kids -- that's the last piece of pizza." "Sweetheart -- that's the last roll of toilet paper. Whenever you're ready, please pick up more."
It's down to Ames -- who looks kind of constipated -- and Blake for that final rose. Ashley picks it up and spins it around, glances slightly off camera for her signal for when it's OK to stop pretending like she hasn't made a decision yet. "Ames," she says, and Blake doesn't even to leave of his own accord. Should have packed your bags back when you had the chance, Blake!
Harrison comes out says, "Blake, I'm sorry, man," and makes a duck face and walks away as Blake hugs people. For Ashley, he gives her a quick hug and a crisp "Good luck to you," and walks away. He tells us he wants someone to respect and look up to. "Basically, I want a friend," he says. "I don't know what she's after. Not me."
After he's gone, Ashley toasts the remaining bachelors and warns everyone that Taiwan is the next stop on the Bachelorette Asian Desecration tour, while I make an appointment for that place that Keith Richards uses to swap out his blood with some fresh stuff every few months, and return you to the skilled hands of LuluBates.
Daniel MacEachern is a writer in Newfoundland. Next time there's a need for a sub on The Bachelor/ette he'll just punch himself in the face for two hours instead. Follow him on Twitter: @DanMacEachern.