Bachelorette
Bachelorette

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 1108 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Hong Kong Phooey

Chris Harrison surfaces from his sordid world of hookers and blow and long hot showers to wash the shame off, to welcome the surviving bachelors to some sort of rooftop, and he weirdly has to coax them to come closer to him, like they're worried he's going to pitch them over the railing and send them to a painful death below, which you'd think would be one of the classier ways to exit this show. He finally gets them over by repeating "Dudes. Duuuudes. It's OK, dudes" over and over, soothingly, until they trust him to nibble chicken fingers out of his palm.

He tells the guys that they've literally traveled around the world, and he says it like we're supposed to be impressed these guys are so dedicated to finding love that they're willing to let someone else fund a globetrotting vacation for them, and all they have to do is pretend to be into Ashley.

While Harrison tells the guys to check in to their hotel, Ashley moans some more about how she doesn't know if she'll ever get over "this Bentley thing." She gets out her Note Tote and stares at the bubbly heart with "Ashley plus Bentley 4ever" lovingly scripted inside it. While she moons around her hotel suite, Harrison shows up to surprise her, or as a big a surprise as it can be when you have a camera crew set up in your hotel room.

Harrison tells her that since she won't fucking shut up about Bentley (I'm paraphrasing and interpreting here) they've "reached out" to Bentley. Not in the mob sense that they killed Bentley but that Bentley wants to talk to her. In fact, he's here in this hotel right now, and Ashley tells Harrison to "shut up" in the "Are you kidding me, and also I'm thirteen years old" way. She takes a good thirty minutes to determine that Harrison isn't messing with her, like Harrison would ever stoop to sully the good name of The Bachelorette with such deceptions. Harrison kind of looks like he's getting annoyed with her asking him fifty times if he's kidding. He tells her that Bentley flew "literally halfway around the world" which is half as much as he said the other guys flew. Get it straight, Harrison!

Despite the fact that she has not shut up about Bentley, she says she needs to think about it. Harrison says dot-dot-dot again, which I assume must be a cherished addition to the Bachelorette drinking game by this point. Is it that they don't know it's called an ellipsis? Or is Bentley really into Morse code? Ashley says vagueness is no good and she needs to figure out if things are real, and then she says closure again, and Harrison, international pimp of mystery, gives her Bentley's room number. If Harrison really wanted to help Ashley get over this, shouldn't he just show her the clips of Bentley talking about how much hotter Emily is than she is?

Bachelorette

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