So the teams are (and we get cheap graphics on screen complete with dragons heads) Ben and Constantine (blue team), Blake and Ryan (naturally together -- the red team), and Ames and Mickey, the "black bandits," with Ashley curiously emphasizing "black." That actually made me realize the unsurprising whitewash yet again of Bachelorette contestants once again. I haven't watched any episodes -- did the premiere have at least a couple of minorities so the producers can make "We swear we're not racists!" argument? But the boats need to be powered by more than just two morons and the stench of Axe, so the teams have one hour to recruit at least six more people for their boats.

So now they're harassing the unlucky people on the streets of Hong Kong. "We're going for all dudes here, right?" says either Mickey or Ames, and yes, that is usually the assumption made about more than a few contestants every season. They very quickly luck into several actual dragonboat racers, and I kind of wonder if this would be like if they came to Canada and then had an hour to put together a hockey team. Blake and Ryan find a translator, and things snowball from there, with Blake grudgingly admitting that Ryan's annoying energy seems actually to come in handy. Meanwhile, Ben and Constantine are finding it difficult to kidnap people to be on The Bachelorette. "Our charm obviously doesn't translate," says Constantine. On the contrary -- I think it's coming across exactly accurately.

In the end, the two of them put on red robes, which we're then expected to believe acted like flames for moths, and the three teams then march on to the beach while Ashley hoots at them. Ames sniffs that they're not here to look flashy but to win the race and get closer to Ashley. Mickey says a bunch of contradictory statements like they're here to have fun, and they're here to win, and it's not about the rose, but there's a rose up for grabs.

So the race is on, with one person sitting in the prow banging the drum to keep the rhythm for the rowers. Ashley fulfils that duty for Blake and Ryan's team, with all the rhythm of a junior high school dance. Meanwhile, Ben and Constantine have discovered that their chant, which they thought translated to either "Eat it" or "Edith" actually translates to "idiot." I find all of that incredibly implausible, and I'm also curious as to why they thought "Eat it" or "Edith" was supposed to be inspiring. You can also email me to tell me what the slogan actually was but I'm going to ignore it and continue to believe it was "Edith" or "Eat it." I'm also curious why the blue team decided to wear red robes, but then it's not like Ben and Constantine's presence in Hong Kong means an empty chair at the Mensa meetings in their hometowns.