Bachelorette
Season 7, Episode 6

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Hong Kong Phooey

Anyway, Ashley picks up the rose and gives a little speech about moving forward. Then they make out and J.P. says tonight was incredible and he's now more emotionally attached than he's ever been. "We're on the right track!" he says, which naturally is paired with a shot of them riding a train that looks like it runs through the forest and skirts the city skyline, and since there are innocent people aboard I guess it's OK that the train didn't derail.

So the train stops at some place that overlooks the city so these two idiots can get drunk and talk about how awesome closure is or whatever the hell, and there's an old woman playing the Chinese two-string fiddle. Both Ashley and J.P. pretend to know what an er-hu is, and J.P. can't just admit that his favorite record is Jock Jams 3, and now Ashley is telling us all about closure again. "It needed to happen, and tonight was the reason it needed to happen," she tells us. J.P. makes her feel secure and relaxed, which she feels the need to tell us is a good feeling.

Unfortunately, thanks to the preview, we know what's coming next: that Ashley, impressed with how well J.P. received the non-significant "news" that she spoke to Bentley a couple days ago, is going to break the news to the whole group, hopefully not in the hushed tones you should reserve your telling a prospective sexual partner about your herpes (although maybe?).

Ashley is riding a small motorboat out to a well-lit yacht whilst wearing a dress that instead of lifting and accentuating actually smushes and pulls apart. "I think that's Ashley," says one of the nimrods on the boat, like maybe there's another woman due to come riding up while they all stand assembled with a camera crew behind them on the "Jumbo Floating Restaurant."

Ashley feels "liberated" by telling J.P. everything that happened, which you'll recall amounted to "Bentley was here, we talked, I told him to get lost, and then I went out and got a tattoo on my lower back that is supposed to be 'Warrior Princess' but instead says 'Stupid Gwei Lo.'"

So what better time to tell the guys but now? How about never? Does it not occur to Ashley that by the fact that she's treating the nothing that happened like it's a big deal is going to completely contradict her insistence that she's achieved your amazing closureosity? Never mind. I should know by this point the futility in starting a question with "Does it not occur to Ashley..."

So the guys are all in dark jackets, and they all rise when she enters. "It's tough to take your eyes off her," says Blake. Anyway, they sit down, and Ashley rather awkwardly starts talking about how they all know it was hard for her when Bentley left, but what they didn't know is how hard it was because it was him. Boy, THAT'S what I'd love to hear from someone I'm interested in romantically! She says she completely fell for him. None of the guys seem particularly jazzed by her plucky story of heartbroken Bentley love. Maybe because she doesn't get that what they're hearing is "You didn't know it, but I was nuts about Bentley, and then he left, but then he came back, but it's OK because I'm not nuts about him anymore, which you didn't even really know I was in the first place."

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