Bachelorette
Season 7: Episode 7

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Who gets the first one-on-one date with Ashley? Constantine! Ashley keeps claiming that Constantine is super hot, but he reminds me a Marvel villain whose name I can't remember, but he was super hairy and sort of cat like, but they always drew him with sort of a melty undefined face. So no, I don't think he's hot. Also, his hair is stupid and he has no evident personality. These deficits do not stop Ashley and Constantine from hopping on a train to a romantic village to participate in the town's yearly lantern lighting festival. Ashley points out that her relationship with Constantine is moving at a slower pace than any of her five other relationships, so she needs to speed things up, because he is "hot" and she wants there to be something between them. (FYI - despite all evidence to the contrary, Ashley is NOT a slut. This is all primetime sanctioned and FCC approved behavior, although my DirectTV parent controls give a strong tsk tsk about the entire premise of the show.)

So Ashley and Constantine hug a lot and hold hands on the train ride to wherever. When they arrive in their quaint destination, Ashley explains that to participate in the festival they have to draw a picture on the lantern of their love dream. This conjures up nothing but really dirty, bathroom stall quality images in my head, but that's probably my own issue. Constantine pulls on his art smock and gets really into his scrapbooking. He busily paints pictures of his happy big family and wedding rings and babies and cherubs and shit and Ashley thinks that is so cute. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Ryan looks anxious, because, if you haven't noticed, Ashley NEVER chooses him for one-on-one dates. However, he has made it this far into the "competition" [for love] without actually ever going on a date with the lady, which is really saying something. Maybe Ashley forgot he was there? He is convinced the date card will bear his name, but no. Ashley is going out with Ben. Again. Ryan, ever the optimist, is confident that Ashley is saving the best for last.

Back on the date, Ashley and Constantine are now dining. These two have no apparent chemistry and are quite dull to watch together, but at this point in the season, any time Ashley's not crying is a high point. Constantine asks Ashley flat out what she likes about him, which is a conversation I had a lot in middle school (with myself, no one liked me) and Ashley doesn't bother playing coy. She thinks he's hot and he's a family man. Sold! She has her hand on his upper outer thigh and he doesn't even blink. And not in that "I'm going to keep talking and not looking at her hand so I don't get a woodie" sort of way, but more in that, "Oh I didn't notice you had your hand there" sort of way. Then Ashley gets all needy and asks him if maybe he won't let himself fall in love until after the hometown dates? Is that why he won't like her? Why doesn't he like her? He just won't let himself like her? Right? Right? Sigh... Then they talk about the L Word and I actually wish they were talking about the Showtime show, but they aren't. Then they kiss and light a lantern and it floats up into space and Ashley feels JUST like Rapunzel from Tangled only with better hair.

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Bachelorette

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