Bachelorette
Season 7: Episode 7

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Taiwan On

Ryan is so excited to finally go on his date with Ashley. Ashley reminds us that all the men talk smack about Ryan, and how he is unlikeable and has a crazy personality, but she likes him. She gave Ryan the first impression rose way back at the Man Manor, remember? So she's willing to give him a chance. Know what the perfect first date is? A temple. It's so quaint watching other religions do other religiony things, right? Adorbs! So they make a prayer to a god they don't believe in and then they go to watch some Tai Chi practitioners. The gods must be watching over us, though, because Ashley doesn't jump and join them in another flash mob. Miracles do happen! While Ryan goes on and on about how great he and Ashley are together and how he can't wait for her to meet his family, the sound of Ryan's voice cuts out and Ashley does a voiceover explaining that the reason she hasn't gone on a date with him yet is because she is just not that into him.

Then Ryan asks her shyly what her thoughts are on the environment. You know, because he's into solar energy and the outdoors and he loves her forever and for always, but does she, like, recycle? Ashley pleads the fifth on that one, but tells a funny story where she throws plastic bottles in the trash because she's just crazy and laissez faire like that. Then she asks Ryan to teach her something about the environment right then and there. So does Ryan tell her about the sun and the stars? No, he goes straight for the water heater. Yeah, water heaters won't warm the cockles of a lady's heart. As Ryan talks about the evils of oversized and energy inefficient water heaters, Ashley's eyes glaze over and the audio of Ryan yapping away about water heaters softens and Ashley voiceovers (again!) as she ponders how it is that Ryan can look so good on paper but be so boring in person? Dark magic. As he talks about tankless water heaters, Ashley explains that she's just not feeling the passion.

So how does Ashley handle the disconnect between Ryan on paper and Ryan in real life? She cries. OBVIOUSLY. And then we get to watch Ryan's little eco-heart go break break break right there in Taipei as Ashley decides to go ahead and recycle that relationship right then and there. She claims she respects Ryan so much that she doesn't want to put him through the Rose Ceremony. He protests a little, but is smart enough to know that it is futile. So she says goodbye. Right there. Ryan hangs his head and walks down the lonely street alone. He claims she thought she was the one and that he didn't see it coming at all, not even when she didn't ask him on any dates ever. Then he goes off to cry in the bushes. I guess if you call it communing with nature it's less depressing. Ryan emerges from the bushes to remind us that he wants a wife and a family and to be a father. He wipes a tear as he swears that as god is his witness, he will find someone to share this life with. She doesn't even have to recycle! His standards are super low.

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Bachelorette

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