Ben has finally arrived for their date, which is, of course, on a boat. Because every pre-overnight date must be on a boat, it's in the contract. Also, girls are silly like that. As Ben and Ashley settle onto their Big Pimpin' yacht, Ashley does classic girl whine: "I don't think your mom liked me!" which is our first hint that she will never ever pick Ben. I mean, why pick someone if you know their mama don't like you? Ben assures her that his mommy liked her a lot and that she was really pleased to see Ben so happy and emotionally stable. Then TUCK THE CHILDREN IN BED! Ashley straddles him and rubs sunblock all over his chest. Ashley interviews that it feels like she and Ben were "on their honeymoon." Ben claims that while they were snorkeling he could see his life with Ashley "flash before his eyes," which I think means he needs to breathe more oxygen more deeply into his lungs. As they roll around in their swimsuits, giggling and flirting, they both pretend that this is what real life, married life, is like. Let me be the first to say: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA. I mean, marriages certainly have moments of this, but, for the most part, marriage does not involve rolling around the white sand beaches and making out of the cameras. Ben interviews that his feelings for Ashley have deepened, but he doesn't want to tell her, because he wants to keep things light and not get all emotional since he wants to make sure he gets in that Fantasy Suite and get laid. Is that too crass for talk of the Fantasy Suite? I know it's supposed to be a magical place where intimacy, but not sex happens, and that bowl of Valtrex is just there as a prop. Anyway, as the sun sets, Ashley and Ben put on real clothes. I guess I can say that, although Ben is wearing a sheer v-neck sweater with no t-shirt underneath and there's nip slipping and chest hair peeking through and yuck. Pro tip: Wear a t-shirt under your sheer sweater. Where was I? Oh right, it's been a long time since Ben felt like this -- since he was "in love" -- and I don't want to ruin it for him with my horror at his attire. He tells Ashley that today was perfect and he got a sense of "clarity." Ashley chooses the word "comfort" and Ben rushes to change his mind and says "comfort" too. Then they both grin and smile and hold hands and think about all the things they have in common. They both like yachts! And snorkeling in Fiji! They have so much in common! Is my sarcasm dripping off the page? Sorry. This is like the La Brea Tar Pits of sarcasm. You may not like it, but you can't escape either! Bwahahahaha.
Episode Report CardLuluBates: A | 1022 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT